Living in Kilsyth
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in North Lanarkshire, Scotland

Ah, good old Kilsyth, nestled In-between the hills of the campsies and North Lanarkshires worst voted town 2 years in a row, Cumbernauld. ( which is a different story altogether… But we’ll save that for another day)

So back to Kilsyth, the town that should have the slogan “Did you hear…?” home to some of the most nosey people in the whole of Scotland. Anything that happens here will be spread about this small town like wildfire and the story twisted and changed so much it would leave the person that started it dazed, confused and most likely doubting it their version of events were even still true.

So we have the “tap end” and the “bottom end”. If you ever find yourself in need of a heroin fix you would travel to the very edge of the top end known as the Rennie Road aka the bronx, or the even more creative name of the ra-ra. While a bit run down and the high risk of being stabbed, it has lovely views of the whole town, which can be seen as you lie there chasing the dragon or whatever it is those crazy ra ra members get upto at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon.

As you make your way down past the chippy you’ll probably see or hear the van or icey, It’s easily identified by the bright colours, pictures and the GBX getting blasted out it at full volume 24/7 as it races round the top end delivering fags, mix ups and even a hotdog or two for the lazy or stoned or “The weans tea!!!”.

Take in the sights of one of the towns many pubs, The Broch, sure come in have a pint, share a laugh, someone might even offer you a line or two and smash a pool cue over your head. Happy days. As we venture further down into the middle of the town you’ll find the Coachman hotel where possibly only one guest has ever stayed. If you ever need to order something at this bar expect at least a week before it will arrive at your table. But it’s nice all the same.

Let’s cross the road and you’ll see the Masonic, possibly the 49? I’m never sure as it’s usually a zombie filled area and possibly best avoided at all costs. Up the Main street and you can meet the friendly locals, Mcaboo who will no doubt say something to you and pretend to box you in the street. Or the guy who makes Subaru noises while wandering around town. Never a dull moment here.
We’re well and truly in the bottom end now and almost at the end of our Kilsyth tour… But far from safe.

We’ve still to make our way round the scarecrow but not much worth stopping here for. Nip into archways and say hello to catch up on more of the wildfire lies being spread around the place.
Next off is the Curly the pub known as the zoo. Have you been barred from every other establishment in the town? This is the place for you my friend. Come in and play pool and watch the wee fannies act hard by using the punching machine in the corner.

Walk the burn down to the Burngreen, sit with the local youth drinking their buckfast and doing buckets,a fun pastime for all.

So come and visit our town and see the wonders for yourself. You’ll be amazed and probably can’t wait to leave thinking… What a shitehole.

  • Kilsythtiladie

    Barwid is the classy end of the village, ya bam! I reserve my heroine intake for 2pm at the earliest. Nae mention of the sh*tely service delivery from Dhillons. A common past time waiting for food that has arrived. The glorious public transport links (once you enter Kilsyth, you are never leaving again unless yer deid body successfully makes it’s way doon the canal tae Kirky. All in all I love living in Kilsyth, it’s much less roastery and full of cockwombling thundercunts than other places I have lived. But aye, they’re all nosey basturts!

  • Tricia Mcdonald

    u sure ur fae kilsyth ya fud….the ra ra is not known as the bronx…thats barwid ends tag… for herion, its all over , no just up the tap enders … fact its all over britain duh, …the masonic, isnae the 49,,,itll be the 39 or the 38 or the 40…….so yae wer havin a wee laff fare enuff..but get it right when yae rip the pish oot ur toon