For anyone searching for the missing link in Darwin’s theory of evolution, I do strongly believe I have found it. All clichés aside, Didcot really is a town filled to the brim with the worst society has to offer. Luckily, having lived in Didcot for over 10 years (I am now 16), I am proud to boast that I can speak fluent chav, and am seriously considering applying to my head of year at school for a GCSE in ‘Chav’ to become available en masse.
Many of the chavs in Didcot attend either St Birinus School (for boys) or Didcot Girls School (for girls). This works, until the girls decide to move themselves to the boys school and flash at the windows when told to go away. Whilst this in itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, the girls in question are typical Didcot girls – ugly, overfed and often carrying visible marks of street violence.
Which brings me on to my next point. Didcot is probably the most aggressive town in the country. Passengers travelling through the station will often be confronted by the chavs of Didcot jumping onto their trains passing through, often the chavs using the trains are the most violent, and will challenge anyone who does the outrageous task of refusing to give up their seat. This often fuels a change in the Didcot chav – from a fairly placid person who sits and stares, to a aggressive thug who will most probably pull a knife out of a freshly created orifice in their body (no-doubt the mark of another Didcot youth) and brandish it at said commuter. Another favoured method of the Didcot chav is Hitler’s pincer movement. Often, one chav will lure a member of the public into a corner, under the pretence of asking for information. When the ensnaring process is complete, another four or so chavs boxes them in, politely enquiring if they might spare some change for the chavlet, or ask (in no uncertain terms) if they might perhaps purchase some alcohol or cigarettes for the gang.
The third thing the chavs have developed is a low form of cunning, often misinterpreted as intelligence. Their deceptive skills enable them to work out when a person is most vulnerable, and how to attack this person at the peak time. I am fully in favour of quarantining the entire town to stop this scary prospect from reaching other parts of the country.
The final worry is the ‘chavlet’. A smaller, often yappy younger sibling of a renowned chav. These chavlets are between the ages of 10 and 13, and often are kitted out in Adidas, Nike or Reebok, and will overpower anyone within 10 yards with the scent of teenage desperation mixed with that of a caravan. Chavlets often display the same qualities as an ordinary chav, however they are used in much smaller quantities. I compare them to Weetabix Bitesize. They are often good practice for the larger variety of chav, who use them as bait, tools and most probably sexual favours that they cannot get from their female counterparts.
Hopefully for the sake of th country, Didcot will not continue to expand, and instead implode on itself, causing these people to be dispersed into space, where they can cause as much mischief as they like in the 15 or so seconds before they suffocate…