Ahh, Carlisle. The sights, the smells, the wonderful fast food outlets. And if you’re very lucky, on your visit to this historical town, you might NOT see the resident species. C***s.
They’re everywhere. Street corners, Mcdonalds, The Lanes seating area. Even Woolworths is infested.
Experience the thrill of walking into town and having such colourful local greetings as “goffy” “dirty Greb” and of course the timeless “filthy greeeeeb man” thrown your way as you pass. Smile to hear the 13 year old mothers walking past Wilkinsons and yelling “Dwayne! Stop kickin’ that man in, innit!” to the three year old cherub in question.
Marvel at the endless rows of shoe shops and sportswear stores, with the tasteful harmonies of “My humps” and “Call on MEEEEe” blasting endlessly from their welcoming doorways.
Gasp in delight as you pass what is locally known as “c**v corner” the favoured childrens play area for all of the local c***s to hide and drink their “peeve” (illegal alcohol). This particular place is artfully decorated with cigerette butts, empty bottles and used needles. Why not take your children to play there!
And just before you leave, you have to take a trip to “weed central” the ‘skateboarding park’ which has been taken over by the biggest gang of c***s in historical records. This is now the perfect place to get stoned off your head before heading out to Botchergate, or as we know it, “black eye row”. 2am on a saturday morning is the prime time to get beaten up as you walk home- be sure not to miss it!
I hope you enjoyed this little tour of Carlisle-“It’s proper minted- Innit!”