Where can a person start when talking about the all-round classiness of a place locally known as, without irony, ‘The Great Border City’? Well let me try and sell it to you:
1) – For those who find the local Aldi a bit upmarket, we have a Lidl chock to the brim with home brand lager (read p*ss) and £2.50 Bailey’s rip-off.
2) – The town centre has at least 2 sports shops spilling over with the latest le coq sportif shell suits for him and smooth, smooth velour for her.
3) – A high quality eatery in McDonalds, with standing room outside for at least 15 ***** you will never be denied the chance to show off your baseball caps and stolen trainers to the man in the street.
4) – Every night is race night in Carlisle. Cars that have failed their MOT’s and have a value of less than £50 can regularly meet up in the car park outside asda at st nicholas gate car park (where else) to race 50 yards across a small bit of tarmac at not very fast speeds. Feel free to admire the stereo system worth 30 times the value of the car in many of these vehicles.
5) – The many back alley 2nd hand jewellery shops can kit you out in finest low grade silver or, if you’re buying an identity bracelet for that special lady in your life, you can splash out on genuine gold-plated tin/brass.
6) – Stock up on White Lightning and Lambrini at one of Carlisle’s many fine newsagents, marvel at the way that oily grime covers all foodstuffs and feel secure in the fact that it’s only been knocked over 6 times in the last 4 months.
7) – For the charver family unit feel free to take the children to one of the many recreation grounds where little Chantelle can spend many happy hours playing with the many broken bottles and syringes left every night. Why not bring along playful ‘Tyson’ feel free to let him off the lead where he can savage children in his own good time. Failing that let him defecate all over the ground and then leave it, it’s just another toy for the kids to play with. Why not make a day of it? Bring Grandma out with you so you can celebrate her 30th birthday as a family.
8) – With plenty of boarded up housing on the botcherby estate there really has never been a better time to set up a home for your family where you can happily sell stolen property/drugs and restart that soiled mattress collection outside your front door.
9) – Visit the Walkabout pub where you’re allegedly guaranteed to see/be involved in at least one ‘glassing’ every weekend
Yes, come to Carlisle it has everything that any <strike>*****</strike> lovely travelling fellow could want from life.
small print – people with taste, decency, an education, self respect, good health, prospects, no criminal record/warnings and a car worth more than £10 need not apply