West Bromwich

Aah West Bromwich.  Once a decent little town located between Birmingham and the gargantually ****** Wednesbury, West Bromwich was a haven for the once hard grafting working classes to spend Saturdays with their brood visiting the now defunct Kings 123 Cinema and the large town market.  However, fast forward a few decades on to the nineties and noughties, and West Bromwich is, for lack of a better word, a ********.

Saturdays, and indeed weekdays, are now used by the local *********, known as ‘Sandwell Babes’ to go “daaaaan the market wiv lil Chelsie-Brookes and Riley-James to get them sum gear from sportzbox”, visit the fine selection of shops such as Heron or Farmfoods to stock up on “them gorjus curries for a pound”  full of elderly ***** who fight for baskets, and stop off at McDonalds to buy a well-deserved, calorie laden, bargain meal and cop a shag in the toilets with local **** boys who will leave their mark in the shape of a big fat hickey or 6 on ********* generous sized neck.

A Sandwell Babe earns her title by fulfilling the following brief: a] she resides in a **** town in Sandwell, most probably West Bromwich or Wednesbury  b] her rolls of fat can actually be used to hide stolen items food from Netto (I have known Babes who actually do this)  c] has an obligatory lower back tattoo on her muffin top region  d] a breast tattoo fully on display, a known mating tactic similar to that used by female peacocks when trying to gain a partner  e] a ****-in-crime male partner, who is usually much slimmer than his ******** counterpart and not the father of any of her 4 multi-coloured children  f] chain smoking, booze guzzling at 9am when the markets open as she needs the energy for her long trek down to the citizens advice bureau where fellow ***** flock to ask for help on how to fill in a benefit form  g] wears an insurmountable portion of Argos bling, in an array of colours (brassy 9ct gold or sterlin’ silver) dripping from their poorly manicured, zebra-print airbrushed 3 inch nails  h] blonde highlights; a ******** will save 3 weeks dole money to make sure the brassy blonde doesn’t fade, as male ***** aspire to pull a “fit blonde wiv big **** init”.  And we can’t leave our ********* without a herpes-spreading, white cider drinking, shagging partner now can we?!  Sandwell Lads are no better; youths tend to be 4 stone underweight, marijuana smoking, addicted to booze by an average age of 11, and hang around the doorways of key shops where they are most likely to pull the aforementioned babes (i.e. wilkos, greggs, mcdonalds, poundland).  Attire consists of obligatory designer rip-off cap, trackies tucked into beaming white socks, henleys t-shirt with a popped collar, and a sovereign ring on 5 fingers.  He will usually be in fully fledged argument with ******** with her giving him a good kicking for shagging her best friend in The Goose the night before and him giving her a backhand with the sovereign rings left on-ouch.  However, ******** will never let go of ****- who else will give her babies to fund that child benefit account and be some kind of trophy to fellow fat ********* that she still has ‘it’ ?

How grim is your Postcode?

The towns recent influx of East Europeans has left them somewhat alienated and contributed to WB’s downward spiral as an uninvestable **** hellhole.  West Browmich ***** and ********* seem to gain a BNP-orientated political stance when immigration hits home, declaring foreigners to “**** off ‘ome” and “back to your own fookin country fookin spongers”.  Ironically, the East European women have gained jobs as strippers and the males factory work, which means they are actually contributing to society in contrast to the sponging native *****.

No-go areas include Carters Green, a run down, neglected area where YMCA-residing ***** will mug anyone who seems rich (i.e. carries a Tesco shopping bag) and black men will hurl inverted racist abuse at whites and asians.  In short, West Bromwich is as ****** as they come, so next time you hop on the West Midlands metro service, think twice before getting off at ‘West Bromwich Central’ and instead aspire to reach the greener pastures of Snow Hill where the ratio of *****/middle class is 3:7  rather than 10:0.