Tring: So what has changed?

Living in Tring, Hertfordshire

So what has changed? Well not a lot really Budgens closed in 2005 and was replaced by M&S, which has demoted the working of Tesco till’s to profession of choice for the scary looking oddballs of Tring. Crime is on the up,,the ***** of yesteryear are all but grown up (physically) and have spawned at least two litters of “Hood ****” that roam the town. Subsequently muggings, theft from vehicles are on the rise and the recent escalation of spraying unknown corrosive liquid into unsuspecting citizens and visitors of Tring has added a new but unwanted dimension of cowardice to this sleepy Market Town.

When the “Hood ****” aren’t busy robbing/assaulting the innocent around Spider Park and New Mill they are trying to stab each other. They can be found at the Skate Park on Pound Meadow or the Benches outside Tesco. During the summer months they gather in Tring Memorial Park (mating season) the noise from the rutting and fighting over the females (walking std’s) can go on till the early hours. Please consider “Triple glazing” if within ¼ mile radius.

The Bell is still as uninviting as it was back then and gets through more new managers than QPR ! Not that you can even get in if you wanted to as the entrance is usually closely guarded by chains smoking carling drinking **** Senior and their Hood rat offspring, the smell of cheap lager and urine is only masked by the plumes of cigarette smoke which obscure the narrow pavement. I highly recommend crossing the road and avoid all together. The Bell can boast of a past Axe/Machete attack and more recent the notoriety of a “Wild West” style bar brawl that made the national news.

How grim is your Postcode?

The “Bean” can car brigade have all grown up to the middle aged men equivalent of over gassing, as a Tring resident you can enjoy the dulcet tones of loud pops and crackles at all times of day and night from these **** heads. Fireworks are fashionable all year round in Tring as well so if your animals are of a nervous disposition of you suffer from PTSD, then again stay way.

Tring population mostly made up of Twonky Wonk’s who enjoy nothing more than complaining to the Town Council about paint on pavements/roads and bollards. Tring is now largely run by an self elected, over opinionated closed group FB page called “Everything Tring”, poorly parked cars, dog poo and fireworks are debated on here with everyone putting in their opinions, whether you are interested or not. If you like being offended by something or someone on behalf of someone or something you don’t know anything about, and then why not join.

There are no longer any Banks in Tring, but if you want to have lunch, get a haircut, buy a house or grab a coffee then this is the Town for you, everywhere takes credit cards,your first born or soul so not a problem, however if your using the only ATM in the town, ensure you go in numbers and before dusk. Just be aware if none of the trendy and expensive restaurants are to your taste and you fancy a kebab, Mighty Bite for some reason only takes cash, many suspect it is a “Front” and involves money laundering for more nefarious purpose. I’m not so sure, however I’m suspicious of their tasty “mystery meat” SFC portions, it tastes of chicken but I don’t recognise any parts of the chicken’s anatomy in the discarded bones and carcass.

By far Tring’s darkest and more sinister underbelly are the militant “Yarn Bombers” when they’re not decorating the town with cute and creative knitted creations they are in running battles with the Town Council, County Council and other Twonky Wonk groups including “Friends of Tring Memorial Garden”. One of Yarn Clan’s redeeming features though is the capacity to forget, each time they put on an installation, the “********” wreck or thieve the works of art, horror and indignation follows and the community is whipped into a frenzy, however a couple of months pass, a new installation goes up, again its vandalised and thieved from and their shocked and devastated once more. The ability to forget though a good defensive and survival strategy, they have lost the ability to forgive and will hold a grudge for an eternity, it is also rumoured they have started to booby trap knitted animals with sharp objects. Look, but don’t touch!