I can honestly say I’m proud to have come from Combe Martin, near Ilfracombe, North Devon. It is truly the most depressing, hopeless and generally futureless place on earth.
I am proud because despite the fact that there are no good schools in the whole area and absolutely no examples of people who have come from the area and gone onto any form of genuine success; I did make it to a Russell Group university studying an extremely challenging and employable degree. We have the lowest percentage of people who achieve this in the country in the South West. No wonder; the teaching is terrible, the schools are basically just battery farms. Indeed even if you want to go to a school that is supposedly free-range (independent), the nearest option is West Buckland, a school with a website that until recently was probably older than the internet itself. From experience I can wholeheartedly say it was even more hopeless than Nigella Lawson’s legal team.
The town itself has a beach that is pretty average, the water’s too cold for any sort of beach holidays, the weather is more unreliable than a rabbit with a history of premature ejaculation, and the people are about as interesting as the mildew that develops inside shower drains.
The people are one of two types; too old or too ******. There are no people aged between 18 and 25 because anyone who lived there wants to escape as soon as possible. When they return to their hopeless Combe Martin lives they look at least 10 years older than they are, which is a shame because they still insist on wearing the shiteiest hoodies that are two sizes too big and in that **** light grey colour; normally accompanied by a typically **** logo; one that springs to mind is GAP but Lonsdale is also getting popular.
I guess the best way I can put it is to give you an example of the most famous person to come out of Combe Martin. The frankly below-par comedian Bill Bailey.
Trust Combe Martin to produce someone who’s so **** at their job.