Bar Hill, near Cambridge, Inbredsville

Living in Bar Hill, Cambridgeshire

If you ever drive on the A14, make sure you never turn off the road at the junction for Bar Hill, it is populated with the biggest inbreeders in Britain and there is **** all else to do apart from go to a giant Tesco, the Fox pub or shag your sister.

I’ve spent the majority of this year down in this area staying in the nearby Moat House/Menzies hotel (the staff are just as slow witted and slack jawed there, apart from the foreign workers). When you come off the roundabout you see the sign “Bar Hill” with “Royston Vasey” scrawled underneath it which gives you a god idea of what you will encounter. The Fox pub is the chaviest pub in this area apart from the Regal in Cambridge City Centre. It is full of pot smoking Burberry clad boy racers playing pool with Gold Chains pretending to be the local hard knocks using the usual expressions like “innit” and “cushty” like they are all big streetboys from London – rentboys more like.

There are a few local bikes in there, one short blonde bird with massive **** offered to come back to my hotel one night – i politely declined when i realised that virtually every boy racer in the pub had banged her everywhere and I may get some *******’ disease from her. The pub entertainment consists of arguing over pool, **** food which to the local ******* seems to be like the Ivy as they lap it up and treat going for pub food like a massive event. The big screen was taken down as the local mongs kept fighting over the football. This would be normal in a place where there are 2 big rivals like Liverpool, Manchester or Glasgow but all the boy racers are plastic Man U or Chelsea fans who have only changed sides during the close season. You have DJ Ron, a cross between Phil Collins and Micheal Bolton who always tries to rip off the dim witted locals with his expensive raffles during his quiz night – another massive event that normally takes place on a Thursday. You have a couple of fights in there which aren’t very scary because the locals are a bunch of ******* who can’t fight properly, usually over their birds who’ve decided to shag another boy racer from the area.

How grim is your Postcode?

I had the misfortune of being chatted up by a local ******* once who proceeded to tell me her life story, she’d married 3 brothers of the same family, and 2 of them had kids with her sister, her mate had just got divorced from her cousin who had been married to another one of her relatives, confused yet? – so was I!.

I think they put Tesco’s there to stop everyone shagging each others’ mums and sisters to be honest. However, it hasn’t really worked, they’ve recently opened up NEXT there as well to stop them doing it – what next?, a prison would help but then the men would just shag each other in there. There’s nothing else much of note really in this weird little corner of Cambridgeshire apart from a petrol station, a skateboard ramp and an industrial estate. No wonder the house prices are so cheap compared to Cambridge City Centre.