Coleraine – it has it all (except an Iceland, thank god)

Living in Coleraine, Northern Ireland

Coleraine must stand proud in Ch@vdom, having as it does at least 4 breeding grounds for these monosyllabic, knuckle dragging, slack-jawed, mouth breathing ********. Let me take you on a tour of our delightful paradise and let you decide for yourselves.

First we have the Hollywood of *****, Ballysally. This hellhole, with views of the cemetery (or if they are lucky the ring road) is a prime example of socialism in action with at least three generations of dole-grabbing dirtbags living together, and is the home of choice for 15 year old single mums to live with their 5 kids. Not too much car crime, as they can’t work out how to operate a brick, and the nearest offy is at least 20 minutes away, but they can always rely on taxis to get them a carry-out to their door. The one fortress-like shop is a magnet for all-day drinking and night time burglary, where they cab steal useful items like nappies and frozen pizza.

Nearby is Harpurs Hill, which sounds lovely bur is in fact the second worse place to be at anytime of day or night. A colourful riot of drinking, wife beating, ******, and knee-cappings, Harpurs Hill is the Rio of the north.

How grim is your Postcode?

Across the River Bann, itself filled with raw sewage for the delightful aroma to match the area is The Heights, home to the sub-class of ****, the *****. This area is full of young ***** whose main pastime seems to be ingesting drugs and fighting with the police. Gaze upon Wetherspoons, and three off-licenses in about 20 yards of each other and you will see why no normal person ventures over the bridge alone, as the odds of being assaulted are certain.

Finally there is Windyhall, on the outskirts of town. ***** here grow up in isolation, and are heavily ****** as a result. You have no idea how ugly they are, or how many ‘gold’ sovereign rings are worn. Their idea of fun is to stand underneath the railway bridge and throw things (abuse, stones, bricks, fireworks etc) at passing vehicles.

All of these **** like spend their days shoplifting in town (the real reason Woolworths is in the toilet), mugging old people, drinking and fornicating in public and generally terrorizing anyone who is ‘different’ ie has a job, good clothes, all their own teeth etc. At weekends they migrate on-masse to the equally **** Portrush, where the hangout of choice is Club Soi, home of **** hardcore and cheap booze. At closing time, the preferred activities include stabbing each other, smashing things up and again, fighting the police.< As you can see Coleraine has it all (except Iceland, thank god, imagine how bad it would be then!)