A housing overspill and series of industrial estate off the beloved A12 between Chelmsford and Colchester.
Whilst the two towns either side of Witham can just about still claim some culture (well Colchester anyway when squaddies aren’t rampaging) Witham cannot.
A soulless cultural vacum that has no real reason to exist except perhaps to house an inordinate number of Chavs.
The fashion accessories in Witham are in order of most spotted at lunchtimes (lord help me I work here!)
1. Tesco’s placcy bags (the more the better, worn as a vest would not be noticed)
2. Curtain ring hoopla ear rings that a tiger could jump through were it set on fire (don’t tempt me!)
3. Cheap imitation Burberry baseball caps or plain white ones for the ‘we love Emminem” crowd.
4. Even cheaper peacocks cast off (Adidas with more or less stripes then) and nasty tracksuit bottoms that finish way above the ankle allowing for white sock viewing. Must be blue, white or grey as other colours do not exist for the male Chav population of Whitam.
5. Trainers, trainers and more bloody trainers. White or black look cheap but probably cost a packet, most likely stolen from JJB in Chelsmford.
6. Hoodies with hood up over cap if it’s raining. Chavs do not understand umbrellas or realise that when it tips down hanging around on street corners means you will get wet.
Ah yes! Where do Witham Chavs hang out?
Tescos’ doorway getting under the feet of Witham old folk not unlike Chavs themselves. “We pioneered this sonny”.
Pubs and newsagents buying fags/booze even though they are quite obviously under age. Obvious that is to anyone other than Witham bar and shop staff who see them, inwardly say “Ahh I’ve got one just like that at home” and excuse all sorts of misdemeanors like their very existence for one.
To illustrate in Braintree (Witham’s slightly more upmarket but were dealing in fractions here, bigger Chav sister town) a lad took a bomb into his secondary school. The fact that most of those who would have been blown up were Chavs might lead some to view this sympathetically. Also on a more serious note (like bombs aren’t serious!) a lad was kicked to death in a Braintree hot nightspot (yeah right?) by a Chav from the even Chavvier location of Sudbury, suffolk. It is eindeed a Chav world we live in hereabouts.
Braintree was even the location Eastenders chose to say Dens wife came from.
Witham does not merit a mention as even careless script writers know not to draw attention to this hole.
Burnt out cars? Tick (for the whole county of Essex)
Wall to wall teenage scrotes with attitude? Tick (what a great band name!)
A delight in all things P***Y, P***Y, P***Y? Tick with underlining, shadow effect, Italics, Bold type and luminous marker pen.
So that’s Witham. Come to see for yourself and leave in disbelief and reflected gratitude for where you dwell. Keep the car doors locked and do not slow uneccessarily even if a Chav crosses the road. Only open the doors to let me in and spirit me away.