If you thought the town centre was bad, nothing can prepare you for the horror of the surrounding areas where the ***** rule with a soverign-ring-covered fist. Three places in particular should be avoided at all costs if possible; first on the list is Norley Hall. For the asylum seekers brave enough to live in the area it’s a little taste of home… if their home was Afghanistan during the 2001-2 terrorist hunting season. There are a huge number of ***** in this part of town and as such the levels of violence, vandalism and petty crime are way above average, so it is generally a good idea to take a detour around the area if at all possible unless you happen to be armed to the teeth and the family saloon is a Humvee. The traffic lights at the top of Norley Hall are rumoured to be a trap; if you are heading through Pemberton then keep going straight on towards either the M6 or into Wigan itself, only a fool, a **** or the bus driver that drew the short straw that morning would take the turn that leads to that area.
Second on the list of no-go areas is Newtown. Fortunately, this part of Wigan is only dangerous after dark when the ***** and their modded Saxos, Novas, Corsas, et al. are all parked at the back of the drive-thru McDonalds, turning the already unpleasant experience of buying fast food into the kind of amusing anecdote that you will one day be describing to either a psychiatrist or a police officer. For the ***** however, it is the perfect place to view the latest in modding technology, especially since a lot of the tacky **** on show is available at the Halfords that is conveniently situated right next door, meaning it’s only a short race away for any **** that has benefit money to burn. Also located in Newtown is the Robin Park complex, home of the town’s multiplex cinema. For those interested in the latest **** fashion trends this place is the equivalent of London Fashion Week, only it takes place outside the cinema every weekend without fail. Groups of badly-dressed halfwits tend to cluster outside the place in order to find a suitable mate as their breeding season is just around the corner… as is the breeding ground, because there are several car parks nearby where they can park their chavved-up scrapheaps in order to lure in the ********* who hang around outside because they couldn’t get into the 15-certificate film of their choice.
The final place on the list of no-go areas is Ince. This is split into two areas, Lower Ince and Higher Ince. Don’t be fooled into thinking that one is a safe area as they both ******** with ****** lowlifes who would be more than willing to steal anything that isn’t nailed down or on fire. While the ****-to-normal person ratio is lower than both Newtown and Norley Hall you should still be careful when walking around since not sounding like a local is enough to put you on the receiving end of a kicking for “being posh”. For the chavspotters out there who wish to see them in their natural habitat there are two places where you’ll be able to see them at their worst. The first stop on the chavspotting tour is the Morrison’s supermarket (it’s easy to find, just follow the directions on the grafitti-covered signs!) where the in-store muzak has been replaced with sounds that make the locals feel at home, ie. kids crying after being smacked senseless for daring to pick up a bag of pies, knuckle-dragging morons saying “******’ ‘ell, it’s buy one get one free on these, let’s get four!” in a loud voice and “******’ ‘urry up will yer, there’s something I want to watch on t’ telly!” The second (and thankfully last) stop on the chavspotting tour of Ince is the local KFC. To encounter the highest ****-to-normal ratio you’ll ever see outside of a Burberry sale this is the place to go, especially on Thursday evening when the locals are taking a break from spending their giros on cheap alcohol. The line is so long that it goes out of the door at this time of the week every week without fail, and so far there is no evidence to suggest that this is a coincidence. The upside to this is that through having to deal with all kinds of people and an insanely heavy workload the staff at this particular branch are amazingly efficient (possibly because they want to get the ***** out of there as quickly as they can) and are able to prepare food that comes close to resembling the pictures on the menu, the same ones that are used by the local illiterati who use a combination of pointing and grunting to order food.
Another noteworthy feature of the area is the patch of grass next to the off-licence in Spring View as some people tend to think of it as a part of the Ince area (except the majority of those who actually live there who want nothing to do with ***** at all, let alone the ones in Ince) as the ***** from the council estate treat this as a gathering place every night. Fortunately you don’t need to stop and wander around to find them as it is handily situated on one of the main roads leading into town, perfect for those wanting to enjoy a suburban safari park experience, enhanced further by the chavvish lowlifes who inhabit every sheltered bus stop in the area.
While the other outlying areas of Wigan also contain **** populations the ones above are those which must be approached with extreme caution and, if one is available, a plane with napalm-dropping capabilities.