Lying at the foot of the Mendip hills its the smallest city in England and the gateway to the Somerset levels.
Sounds lovely, right?
Well, some of it is. There is a nice old cathedral that drags in hordes of noisy French students every summer, and there is also the Bishops Palace with a quaint little moat around it. Don’t be fooled, all is not as it seems.
Remember the film Hot Fuzz? That was filmed in Wells and my god, have they **** on to the coat tails of the ‘comedy’ for the past ten years. They still bang on about it in the local rag the Wells Journal; which is normally filled with obituaries from the substantial population of coffin dodgers that populate the city. I say city, but there are hamlets bigger than Wells. Once you strip back the veneer of rich old twats, you are left with an even covering of ***** that mostly reside on the Merlin Drive estate. No one has ever done a days work there and if you ever drive past you will see a constant flow of feral offspring spilling out in to the city to nick from the charity shops, piss in the street and occasionally copulate with fellow ***** from the Churchill Road estate.
The high street is full of charity shops and coffee shops heaving with tourists who almost always cause hilarity to the locals by slipping in the water/piss combination that runs down from the moat, often falling on their **** usually to cheers from the *****. Evening entertainment consists of either trendy bars or the local Wetherspoon. The rich twats opt for the trendy bars whilst the poor – which is everyone who isn’t a millionaire going by the local house prices – heads down to ‘wevvers. The combination of cheap beer and low IQ normally leads to a brawl, which then continues outside the solitary nightclub Kudos. This cess pit is loaded with local ***** from Shepton Mallet and Glastonbury who revel in the sticky carpets, terrible music, and decor that resembles Butlins in the 1980’s. After closing time they cross the road to the kebab van for a spot of E Coli, then vomit in the bus station.
Wells. A nice place to visit, but just don’t stay too long.
Chard: The town where the garbage men make deliveries
Minehead, Grockels come to here to paddle their hairy toes in the sea
Wells – Posh veneer, **** underbelly
Yeovil, Chavtopia ten years later- the final chavter
Weston-super-Mare, A Seaside ‘holiday town’ hellhole
Yeovil – Jewel of the **** Crown
Bristol: A battle between hipster and yokel
Chard, the houses remind me of Cambridge… if it had been bombed
Glastonbury: it’s hard to find anyone who isn’t blowing shamanic smoke up their own ****