Warrington has a population of 200,000 and at least 40% are certified c***s with the numbers still growing. I have spent several years studying this fascinating species and can now confirm that there are two distinct groups of scally in Warrington, the natural c***s and the wannabe c***s and my detailed study is outlined below.
Firstly, the c***s in Warrington are genetically “superior” to both humans and other UK scallies in that they can reproduce at five times the rate of lesser beings. The average pregnancy lasts less than six months and through a rigorous diet of Lidl frozen food and smoking, a Warrington c**v is capable of producing a litter of up to 18 young during their 45-year lifetime.
C**v babies are capable of breeding from the age of 10 and as most females don’t reach menopausal age, Warrington scallies are effectively baby machines from cradle to grave. The race is evolving at such a rate that some young are even born wearing jewellery and sporting Henry Lloyd stripy jumpers.
It is law in Warrington for every c**v to have at least 6 tattoos and for females, this MUST include one on the small of the back which is usually their name spelled out in Chinese writing. This is handy in the unlikely event that said c**v gets lost in the back streets of Beijing, because at least the locals will know that the urchin in their midst is named Chantelle Chardonnay, unless of course the tattoo really just says “Tw*t”.
Against the grain of most animals in nature, it is the female who is brightly coloured in order to attract a mate. The favoured c**v colours are orange and blonde and the general rule is the brighter, the better. The orange look is usually achieved by spending 20 hours a week prostrate in one of the plethora of tanning salons dotted about town, although if the giro won’t stretch to this, then a similar and equally stunning look can be achieved by marinating in several litres of fake tan, usually purchased from B&M Bargains.
Like domestic pigs, the Warrington chaver female comes in both standard farmyard and pot-bellied forms and the male c**v bafflingly finds the latter more attractive and insists that his partner wears tight-fitting and revealing outfits which accentuate her “curves”.
Similar to pandas with bamboo, the c***s have a staple food source that they simply couldn’t live without and this is a local delicacy referred to as “chip butties”. The great potato famine of 1985 all but wiped out the Warrington c***s. Dead and dying scallies lay writhing in the streets like the final scene from “28 Days Later”. This led to the launching of “C**v Aid” which is now largely forgotten by the public as it ran at the same time as “Live Aid”. It carried the slogan “Your donation will be enough to keep a family of 12 in cider and fags for a whole week”. It was a huge success and the few survivors quickly bred the numbers back up to previous levels.
The second strain of chaver in Warrington is the young, middle class scally that although born a human being and from a well-to-do family, yearns to be accepted by the burgeoning s**m that pour from some of the less salubrious parts of town. These half-breed c***s penetrate the leafy suburbs that normal scallies would only enter when lost on their way back from the chippy. They have jobs and money of their own and parents who provide them with their every c**v need. They bear all the characteristics of your type 1 c**v – clothing, jewellery, aggression, etc they just have more money and better teeth.
Because they are not innately s**m, these scals have to exaggerate their chavness in an effort to fit in. This involves accent modification which means that even posh knobs from Appleton and Martinscroft can sound like proper Longford s**m. Also, every sentence is emphasised by vigorous and unnecessary hand movements and punctuated with one of several street phrases such as “innit” or “knowotImean”. Their favourite pastimes include smashing the glass in bus stops, playing loud scally music at 24-hour garages and hanging around in gangs of 70 on street corners or outside pubs.
The epicentre of type 1 Chavdom in Warrington is Densham Ave in Longford. It’s like Basra but with more kids and comes complete with bombed out and steeled up houses and a background of sirens and small arms fire sounding off throughout the day. Other old school chaver strongholds include Dallam, Orford, Bewsey and Latchford, whilst the wannabe s**m are finding particular success in the plush suburbs of Woolston, Culcheth, Stockton Heath, Grappenhall and Lymm.
The centre of their social world is bar in the town centre called “Tiger Too”. Inside is a confusing mass of horizontal stripes from the obligatory Lacoste and Ralph Lauren polo shirts and jumpers. The regulars all drink “fishbowls” which funnily enough are fishbowls filled with 10 shots of vodka and 2 cans of red bull, then after blinging it to some “phat DJ choons” they stagger off to the infamous Mr Smith’s nightclub to throw bottles at each other for two hours in preparation for the mass brawl that invariably breaks out at 2am.
The town itself is very pleasant and affluent and the non-c**v inhabitants are the greatest people in the world. Therefore, rather than be forced out of my town, which I am fiercely proud and very defensive of, I have chosen to stay and fight the battle with the s**m through non-violent means. I use my insight gained over several years studying this species to educate others. A persistent regime of ridicule is applied to any friend or relative who I believe to be either turning into or harbouring a c**v and if people adopt this strategy then we should be able to contain the spread if not eradicate it all together.
I feel that an active program of sterilisation would give us a winning advantage and this could be achieved by a blanket covering of microwave radiation over known c**v hotspots or the simple spiking of the town’s chip supply. Together we can win this war, so people of Warrington unite and rid the streets of this stripy menace.