Wakefield’s fine selection of ****-mobiles.

Having read and agreed with the two existing posts about Wakefield, it came to me that there is one glaring omission. The main street (Westgate) on a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Normally this street is one of the main routes into and out of town. However, on these nights, it becomes some sort of **** car parade. Imagine Monte Carlo in Yorshire, complete with souped-up Novas and Puntos.

How grim is your Postcode?

It is compulsory on these nights to don one’s baseball cap and tracksuite, while behind the wheel of a modified skip, together with six of your **** mates sharing the back seat, swigging at the 3L bottle of Lightning. Oh, how could I forget the rudimentary *********-in-tow, looking for some post-Buzz (Wakey’s main night-spot) action from one of the unfortunate passengers.

Onto the motor. Well, it’s a hatchback in most cases, immediately identifiable by the loud noises emanating from the industrial chimney-sized chrome exhaust pipe, forming a less-than-charming melody with the pounding mid-90s happy hardcore beats from the likes of the Bonkers series of DJ-mix CDs, which can be heard from the other side of Yorkshire.

Blacked-out windows are almost as common, but why have them open if you must have them?

Also prevalent is the lowered suspension – trailing on the ground in many cases, and the oversized alloy wheels. I mean, a set of JCB wheels on a Citroen Saxo.

The latest thing is the neon lighting underneath the car, no doubt inspired by the ****-trash films such as Too [sic] Fast Too [sic] Furious, and the Need for Speed games.

What really puzzles me, though, is their style of driving. You’d think, and rightly so, that the ***** love to show off their cars by revving the hell out of them, only usually to be overtaken in both speed and style by a modest family saloon, but no, these guys and occasionally girls, actually drive their cars as slowly as possible, as if to impress their fellow neanderthals that frequent the lower part of Westgate.

Of course, when they’re not driving their well-past-their-sell-by-date hatchbacks, they’re in the pubs and clubs of Westgate, classy joints such as Mustang Sally’s, Buzz, Ikon, and as for the rest, it’s impossible to keep up with the changes of name and endless make-overs in order to attract the ****-pound.

All that said, Wakefield is a nice place to live, as long as you avoid Westgate on a weekend!

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