Upminster..oh what to say!
Imagine..a park with swings and slides and roundabouts. Not shitty ones, kind of decent ones that you used to LOVE when you were a young child. Now those children who used to innocently frolick in the park have grown up. I say grown up..but really they have gone backwards: now they are chavs. I’ll give all you readers a little insight into the local ‘hotspots’ of Upmnister. To me and the rest of the decent townsfolk of my generation, Upminster is’nt exactly…’hip’…but it attracts chavs on a friday night just like flys to s**t.
McDonald’s: Yet again Ronald has worked his magic. Chavs swarm around the doors puffing on cheap ciggarettes, and maybe swigging on equally cheap beer. Common folk such as myself are sometimes hurled abuse at if we so much as glance at that big ‘M’ over the door. Recently, big black security guards have been hired to try and restrain these miscreants, although to minimal effect. Desperate measures have been taken. McDonald’s now play classical music and country bumpkin style jigs over the speakers in a desperate attempt to deter the chavs. Due to the thick (fake) burberry caps,however, the chavs can’t hear the music very well and it’s not proving to be very effective. On numerous occasions groups of chavs will go into McDonald’s drunk, and order a ‘lawrger friiiiiiiiiiiies unna bigga mac’. The pimply faced youths working behind the till can only call for the boss (the small grey haired lady) and pray for a miracle.
Budgens: Here is one of the chav’s favourite Friday night places to be. Although at least one has a fake I.D, they will undoubtedly ask a passer by/brother/cousins friends sister/grandmother to purchase alcohol for them. Due to their lack of funds it’s usually a large bottle of Lambrini that they consume. Driving or walking past Budgens is often an event that proves to be extremely amusing. You are bound to see at least one bitch fight/someone vomiting/someone vomiting whilst lying in a drain. This kind of social activity usually consists of more males than females- and so pregnancy will inevitably follow.
Park: The park of which I spoke earlier. On a sunny day it is just an average park. There are people of a variety of ages all enjoying the good weather and fresh air. Fresh,at least, until a group of chavs with a spliff (or five) intrude on the peaceful environment and spread their poison. As with Budgens, chavs seem to enjoy the night more, and so walking through the park at night is not for the faint of heart. I am in no way saying that chavs are to be feared, but broken bottles on the floor and in the face are! If you are lucky enough to be able to watch them from a distance you can see them jumping around on the roundabout/grass on a tyrade of vulgarity and drunken rowdyness. Not good.
Now that you have been given a brief insight in the the Upminster Chav- I will leave you an important message regarding chav evolution.
The chav is an evolved version of the common ‘rudeboy’. They have not only just began to invade out towns and cities- it has been going on for a number of years, but has only just reached an un-noticable level. Don’t forget that every chav is simply a product of the rudeboy image which they and their ancestors set about to gain, and instead took it to the next stage on evolution.
Have a nice day, and dont forget: Hate The Chavs!