Why? What possible purpose can Totton serve? Once deeply proud of its status as England’s largest village, Totton is now renowned for having the ugliest town centre imaginable. A precinct so pitiful even the unbelievably ignorant little c**v w*****s tend to pass it up in favour of the more salubrious delights of Eling Rec (surely ‘Wreck’ would be more appropriate?) or that townie favourite, outside the local newsagent where there is at least a half-chance of a shopper actually passing who can be hassled for fags and the purchase of WKD. And now the skate-park, if nothiong else providing a focal point so that they can all be shepherded into one adolescent hormone and drug pit.
A bland, non-descript breeding ground for the next generation of football hooligans and dole-monkeys, the size of the town has unbelievably expanded in recent years as estate after estate is planted ever-closer to the New Forest. It can only be the proximity of the motorway which appeals to their misguided inhabitants, because it sure as hell isn’t the quality of life. Too small to host a Wetherspoons, Totton does however excel when it comes to pubs so bleak and depressing that any c**v in the country would feel right at home. The Elephant and Castle in the centre (so proud of its budget ‘Value-for-money’ tag and the part this plays in the seemingly permanent inhebriation of the locals) positively seethes violence, but is still nothing compared to the drinking experience that is the Players in Calmore. It says a lot that the Jolly Farmer, complete with the classic two-steaks-for-a-fiver, is the place to go if you want to stand any chance of having a tolerable night out.
I could go on, and on. The pathetic ‘rivalry’ between the two local schools which to my knowledge has never resulted in the rumble which has been planned now for the last twenty or so years, the twenty-five year-olds hanging around outside the school gates in their crappy mk 2 Escorts to pick up their sketchy fifteen year-old(and often six month pregnant) girlfirends, the fact that it has a site bang in the middle of town for storing third-rate fairgrounds when the g*****s aren’t off terrorising other communities instead – enough! The clincher has to be the fact that Eling, the other part of town, has a toll bridge. You have to pay to get out!!! For Christ’s sake, somebody make it go away.