Thorpe Park last week, the Underclass Hajj
After several students from my halls of residence decided that Thorpe Park on their Fright Night – (the park stays open until 10pm and has some new Halloween themed rides) it would be a great day out, we booked tickets and hopped on the bus to the train station.
It was generally from the point at Victoria Station that it all went downhill; travelling into the aptly-named Staines it was clear that it was the Chav Hajj; the Mecca of Chavdom to be partaken by every Chardonnay, Bez, Dez, Gaz and Mercedes-Britney in the surrounding 90 miles.
On arriving at Staines station we took the bus from just outside; a dilapidated skid-mark of a bus as well; and proceeded to enter the Park itself.
After collecting tickets; the scum was somehow omniprescent like flies on turds. Faded ‘Engerlund’ shirts, football shirts, two carat ‘Bling’ and I swear to god, pushchairs containing toddlers in Burberry.
After you walk over the bridge to the main welcome area you realise the creatures that will inhabit the park tonight – drunken louts abusing park-goers, facially-challenged chav girls with the ‘Essex facelift’, and the local spunk-buckets with ‘Gorgeous’ spelt in diamanté over her arse.
Q-ing for the first big rollercoaster, you realise that all the chavs that legally have to be in school (under 13’s) have come too, so they all have earrings and mini-Schott hoodies, as well as badly-highlighted hair and blank expressions.
The KFCs and Burger Kings around the site are full of the 37 year old Scum mother of seven, trying to cram as much deep-fried bumholes and eyelids down their screaming brats throats before they go on the next ride. The amount of times you could look round and see a mum or fat dad smacking their kids before they ate their sweets couldn’t have been counted on a big computer.
The gift stores dotted around were also full of scum trying to steal buckets of candy-floss, handfuls of sweets from the pick-n-mix, or name badges with ‘Dwayne’ on them, we did laugh at them afterwards.
The ride home was interesting; lots of crappy modded cars went past our bus stop (incidentally so full of scum you could have put it in a pile and grew veg) but old Astra 1.4’s with huge chrome wheels and scrapheap one liter corsas with double barrel exhausts did get a little wearing, although the upside was that they were leaving, back to their open prisons probably.
Plus we must have seen at least 10 drunken chavs taken out by security; yelling tirades of abuse at the staff and being kicked out.
All in all, a great laugh and good day out, but beware of the levels of Chav, because it will make your eyes bleed.