Thorpe Park, Fright Night 2005

West London

Thorpe Park last week, the Underclass Hajj

After several students from my halls of residence decided that Thorpe Park on their Fright Night – (the park stays open until 10pm and has some new Halloween themed rides) it would be a great day out, we booked tickets and hopped on the bus to the train station.

It was generally from the point at Victoria Station that it all went downhill; travelling into the aptly-named Staines it was clear that it was the **** Hajj; the Mecca of Chavdom to be partaken by every Chardonnay, Bez, Dez, Gaz and Mercedes-Britney in the surrounding 90 miles.

On arriving at Staines station we took the bus from just outside; a dilapidated skid-mark of a bus as well; and proceeded to enter the Park itself.

After collecting tickets; the **** was somehow omniprescent like flies on *****. Faded ‘Engerlund’ shirts, football shirts, two carat ‘Bling’ and I swear to god, pushchairs containing toddlers in Burberry.

After you walk over the bridge to the main welcome area you realise the creatures that will inhabit the park tonight – drunken louts abusing park-goers, facially-challenged **** girls with the ‘Essex facelift’, and the local *****-buckets with ‘Gorgeous’ spelt in diamanté over her ****.

Q-ing for the first big rollercoaster, you realise that all the ***** that legally have to be in school (under 13’s) have come too, so they all have earrings and mini-Schott hoodies, as well as badly-highlighted hair and blank expressions.

The KFCs and Burger Kings around the site are full of the 37 year old **** mother of seven, trying to cram as much deep-fried bumholes and eyelids down their screaming brats throats before they go on the next ride. The amount of times you could look round and see a mum or fat dad smacking their kids before they ate their sweets couldn’t have been counted on a big computer.

The gift stores dotted around were also full of **** trying to steal buckets of candy-floss, handfuls of sweets from the pick-n-mix, or name badges with ‘Dwayne’ on them, we did laugh at them afterwards.

The ride home was interesting; lots of crappy modded cars went past our bus stop (incidentally so full of **** you could have put it in a pile and grew veg) but old Astra 1.4’s with huge chrome wheels and scrapheap one liter corsas with double barrel exhausts did get a little wearing, although the upside was that they were leaving, back to their open prisons probably.

Plus we must have seen at least 10 drunken ***** taken out by security; yelling tirades of abuse at the staff and being kicked out.

All in all, a great laugh and good day out, but beware of the levels of ****, because it will make your eyes bleed.

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