Portsmouth – So good they named it. ONCE.
A Bluffers Guide
What can you say?
IN THE NAVY
Well its a naval town, so known that when an
American boat is in the naval quarters of the disaffected local chavettes fill up with discharged semen.
a) (Boys) You’ve had a few pints o Stella
b) (Girls) You’ve had a few breezers
Consequence is always the same: You wanna
1. Have a fight
2. Have sex with ya mates dad/mum/partner/dog
3. Revert to point number 1.
4. Want to kill yourself, then go to the local A & E Department and threaten the staff you’ll do it then kill them if they dont give you a bed to lie low away from: your disgruntled dealer/ partner/ pet rescue organisation
5. Stain your trackie bottoms
We have a building that was consistently voted the ugliest place in Europe: THE TRICORN. Ugly, built out of the cheapest concrete and stained. Also a popular place for the intoxicated to leap to their demise from. So as the Tricorn comes down Portsmouth City Council have built an EVEN HIGHER
tower which the worried can plunge from. At 29million quid – a bargain if it keeps the numbers down. And they think they’ve had a bad night if they’ve not had enough disco biscuits to subdue a small elephant and not wound up in a cell covered in buises and best mates blood asking for a doctor a bief and a fag. Other pastimes include active hatred toward anyone with a tan/ O’level/
Yes we got burberry
Yes we got prison white trainers – christ there are over 13 shops in Commercial Road (SEE ATTRACTIONS) where you can buy these souped up plimsoles.
But we also have CREOLE EARINGS. A local Chavette is incomplete without nearly half a stone of 9ct gold earings shaped like a rancid prawn hovering above the shoulders. CLASSY.
Commercial Road – Local high street where they tend to congregate near the fountain. Not for worship more to put bubble bath in.
South Parade Pier – A delapidated old Victorian crusty edifice housing a substandard bar – plastic glasses NATCH, and no attractions that don’t involve shoot ’em up games. Brighton had the right idea by mothballing theirs.
Fun fair – A chav magnet containing rides crammed into as small a space as possible that often have bolts/ rivets flying off during high season.
Guildhall Walk – another mecca for the Chav about town. bar after bar, spilling out the Ben Sherman clad lads tooled and fuelled for a nights fighting and mating. A city bar is incomplete without at least 2 “door engineers” to ensure only thugs of the lowest (in)breeding are allowed to enter.
Hilsea Lido – An open puddle that they enable the unfortunate to wallow around in levels of filth as yet undocumented by the World Health Organisation. Owing to the weather it generally opens for a couple of days in August.
Stamshaw – A tip containing second world war artifacts. Like broken tanks/ Ford Cortinas.
North End – an endless ocean of charity shops touting the same style of crusty dead man’s trousers.
Cosham – Near Paulsgrove
Paulsgrove – “A place where we don’t want them nonces fidling with our kids” – why is that your job???
Southsea – The posh bit where some of the homes have handles on their cups, and an evening out will consist of a kebab purchased from at least 8 emporiums of the kind IN THE SAME ROAD.
Still its not all bad. At least the council has taken some of the turds/ tampons and syringes off the beach.