Affectionately known by locals as ‘Chucks-bury’, this small picturesque market town on the edge of the cotswolds has become a breeding ground for carrot-crunching chav pondlife!
Using the local dialect, they greet all outsiders and people who have failed to attire themselves in the the latest offerings from ‘chav sports’ aka ‘sports soccer’, with phrases they think big city chavs use ie ‘whack’, ‘fool’ and ‘bad’!! They fail to recognise/realise that they live in a town 60 miles from the nearest connerbation and even the ‘charlies’ from there would be embarrassed to use such pre-90’s hip hop terminology! Added to this is the pre-fix ‘Al- reeeight’ which is used ubiquitously! ‘Al -reeeight mate/lover/babber’!
Being a little distance from civilisation, the likes of McDonalds and Burger King have yet to grace the high street. Instead, Twinkers has its own chav-magnet in the fantastically and potentially illegally named, ‘Burger Star’ (‘the best by far’!). Convieniently situated next to the White Lightening Shop ie One Stop, a visit here constitutes foreplay in any chav relationship before nipping up an alley for the obligatory inbreeding!
Cars play a big part in the trevs lives, possibly because it’s not been that long since the demise of the horse and cart in these parts! It seems that every small hatchback must undergo a max power bastardisation before it’s allowed to pass the town’s borders! Unfortunately, somewhere in the process someone forgot to tell gazza and his ‘meeeeits’ that a twin chrome exhaust on a citroen ax makes it look like a bowling ball and that a yellow paint job gives people the impression that the car is being driven by a hairdresser!!
A night out in Chavsville is indeed something to behold. All the mini-trevs hang either hang around Burger Star and One Stop plaguing all passers by to buy them so fags and hofmeister, or the bus stop where they get to abuse outsiders as soon as they alight! the older more experienced ones head for the towns one and only nightclub, the legendary ‘Montells’. Until recently owned by a Canadian who was convinced that there was demand in Tewkesbury for a Canadian theme park!! Think Labbatts and mooses heads!! Here all the single mums desperately searching for a name to be put on their CSA form prowl! On display by potential suiters are displays of wealth (9 carat motor bike chains), physical prowess (the ablity to pick a fight with anyone and everyone in the place) and Milan-inspired dress sense (is Ben Sherman italian?).
Right then form and orderly queue and i’ll see y’all soon!!