Ahhh…the nice rural town of Tewkesbury on the Northern Border of Gloucestershire, as we alight from the Railway station we see pleasant views of graffitti stating the words “Northway Crew 2006” and several vandalised lamposts/signs. We walk out of the station and down a road with several new, but disused warehouses.
As we head towards the suburban area of Northway we see the beautifully vandalised youth club, with grating over the windows that have not yet been shattered. We see more graffitti depicting “Northway Crew 2006” as we head down the picturesque lane, please put your gloves and anti-bacterial clothing on here.
As we reach the Northway shops. known as Chav Central, we see several male chavs attempting to get food from the local fish and chip shop, doing a very good impression of dogs. Meanwhile the female chavs are on the corner in short skirts, with skin sagging out at the sides attempting to earn a living.
It is possibly best to move on from this place, you might get cancer from the number of fags being smoked. We are now going to head towards the local pub, where we shall be able to look throught the window to a genuine Chav pub, aptly named: “The Northway”. While the immediate area may seem nice do NOT enter the pub itself by any means, it has been rumoured that several Hardcore Metal Fans have entered and come out wearing burberry.
Lets leave the area of Northway and head towards the local supermarket. Before we reach the supermarket we pass the local comprehensive, the local chav IQ is about 10% the of a normal chav IQ roghly equating to about 1×10^-99% of the average dog. Therefore it is remarkable that the school recieves such high status, it must be said that there is a never ening war between chavs and moshers. While Chavs may have an IQ similar to that of a dungbeetle they breed in large numbers.
During school hours chavs that are bunking from their lessons usually populate the Green Lane or Gannaway lane, where they are reguarly picked up and returned to the school by the teachers.
Well away from the school and along the main road, here we reach the local student pub, the Canterbury, it is a neutral zone locally, with chavs only cumulating about 10% of the regulars here.
On wards down the road and we reach the local Supermarket, Morrissons. There’s always two or threee chavs outside either asking for a light or for someone to buy them a pack of fags. Let us go to the back of the supermarket where we see a moderate colony of chavs in the undergrowth where they consistently live off of scrounged fags and pee in the bushes. In several locations the chavs have sprayed, yet again the words “Northway Crew” with outstanding originality.
So we walk towards the town. It is possibly best to visit the town at night for the height of chav activity, as we wonder down Bishops Walk, the location of the local Tesco Metro, aptly nicknamed the kremlin, we see several passed out chavs on the floor and possibly one or two mating in the door way of an old pool club.
We shall leave the ultimate chav spot, montells for later, first however we shall take a visit to the local attempt to remove this vermin. *fast track to Dillons* Dillons is a local newagents next to “Burger Star” a favorite location for chavs, untill NOW that is. They have installed an anti-chav device the emits a high pitched noise that only they can hear, not unlike a dog whistle. Recent Chav activity in the area has dropped significantly, I’ve ordered mine already and intend to install it outside the northway.
OK so we shall head to the safety of the black bear, but on the way we shall encounter the hive of chavs, Montels, the owners themselves are chavvy and were disciplined for having a police scanner and sending the underage chavs out back whenever there was a raid being conducted. Which is now weekly. Normal chav behaviour is visible here, the female chavs with short skirts and fat hanging out from the sides of the skirt. With the male chavs discussing the size of their fake bling and their overly large waistbands. Smashing heads against each other’s heads and practicing their mating calls.
So we come to the end of our tour of Tewkesbury (or Chucksbury for the local chav population) and sit with a civilised pint in the Black Bear Inn, trying to decontaminate ourselves of the chav stink.
I have not included Priors Park, I shall do an entire story on priors park itself at a later stage. The chav capital of England…
My advice if you have to avoid Tewkesbury do so, and if your on the M5, go as fast past J9 as possible a speed of 160 mph should suffice so as to avoid having to wash your car.