Let’s dissect Telford to find out why it’s the Numero Uno **** capital of the World!
I moved to Telford several years ago to escape the disproportionate prices of housing in Bridgnorth, which in itself is showing very worrying signs of **** infiltration… but I digress.
What is it about Telford that makes it such a filthy **** breeding pit? Consider the following:
- It’s a “New Town”. It was built with one specific purpose – to relieve the overcrowded slums of the West Midlands and Manchester of the modern ****’s ancestors (Chavcestors).
- They built a dual carriageway right through the centre – a perfect drag strip for thrashing the **** off a 1.2 Nova with a phat boy exhaust and UV ***** lights on the underside. It also boasts extensive grass verges, which make an ideal dumping ground for clapped out untaxed Cavaliers.
- Telford Development Corporation built thousands of shoe box “houses” to accommodate the Chavcestors, complete with dark alleyways, underpasses, etc. Like ****, the population interbred furiously, producing the mutant Telford **** that is rife today.
- Richie Woodall, **** Idol, is from Telford. It’s like **** Mecca on that count alone.
- Telford has two massive Asda, or Chavda, stores within 3 miles of each other. **** Magnet x 2.
- Before building any decent social infrastructure they built an ice rink and a bowling alley (“**** Alley”). Enough said.
- It has a perfect symbiosis between rich, powerful Japanese, Korean and Taiwanese firms, who set up base here years ago, and a cheap, expendable labour force. Career expectations are therefore set low and remain that way.
So there you have it – the UK’s only purpose-built **** town!
Telford is the grimmest place on the planet, and home to 99% of *****/*********. Telford was created as an overspill town in the 1970’s from over populated Birmingham and Wolverhampton areas. Town Planners never thought that Telford would become a magnet for the masses of ***** that live there in boarded up grief holes on ****** estates such as Sutton Hill, Brookside, Hollinswood, and Malinslee (near the Police Station funnily enough), though Telford ***** seem to get a kick out of residing in the cells there to add to their sad street cred. Telford gives the rest of Shropshire a bad name – ***** go to posh towns like Shrewsbury, 10 miles away in their Vauxhall Novas and lower the tone straight away. ***** hang around the town centre malls, then visit the one and only night club Athena, before returning to their hovels in the places mentioned. Happily, though, Woodside is being bulldozed to the ground to make way for new housing, though the ***** will probably move back again. Yes, Telford is one of the grimmest, chaviest places on earth – similar to Milton Keynes, Wolverhampton, Brownhills, Cannock and Skelmersdale.
You have to remember, this place was created as a kinda overflow for Birmingham and Wolverhamption, so there councils dumped all the **** on poor old Telford. Used to be a nice place, but now, well, it’s a toilet. If you ever decide to vist there, the train is probally the best way, as the train station is usually populated by large groups of hooded youths wandering around trying to look “ard” as they like to put it. Watch your step though, the pavements round this area are covered in spit, chewing gum and the occasional tyre mark where a young **** has been joy riding. Theres a song around shropshire all about telford, kinda sums it up…(must be sung to the adams family theme!)
Your sister is your mother
Your father is your brother
You only sleep with each other
The Telford Family
A Horrid Horrid Place
Telford is full of the ****!!! They generally stand around in their ‘oh so trendy’ Burberry hats and tracksuit bottoms and Shoks trainers, drinking White Lightning. To see them out in packs “the Telf Crews” – take a trip to the Telford Ice Rink, the Town Park, Donnington or the lovely and tasteful Athena nightclub. If you’re lucky, you might even get an abusive shout in your direction! A haven for **** spotters everywhere…seriously considering setting up a Telford **** Spotting Tour – we’ve got enough of them!
aka Townie Central. Ok i see its already been nominated once …. but too be honest that article by far didnt do telford justice. sorry lisa …. but glad to see if was one of the first towns mentioned 😀
so ill just nominate it again.
ok fav hang out spots: everywhere. town center is definitely the favourite . mainly cus it contains the required “macydeees” and “J J B”. the cinema spews them at 9 …. after they’ve seen the latest fast and furious / scary movie sequel. and of course near jjb there is a indoor market …. townie heaven.
oh and i can’t forget the bowling alley … and ice rink. wait … does that mean i’ve mentioned everything that’s actually in telford? hmm nuff said.
nightlife: well athena nightclub is a favourite for the older variety. this is the big nightclub in telford …. such famous ***** like jordan have visited. its great if ya wanna go for a bit of a “scrap” …. though be advised … the police do not venture there anymore. Wellington also very popular … due to the amount of pubs that serve the underaged ****.
Townie Areas: Trench and donnington probably are the main areas. plenty of chippys … supermakets and streets corners… however … i dont think i can actually pick many areas that do not contain many townies.
im leaving this town in 5 weeks … in fact telford deserves its own site not just an article.
Original Submission by Lisa
would like to nominate Telford, Shropshire as one of the chaviest places in
the UK. Of course you have the obvious places like Lancaster and Liverpool
but Telford is different!
Telford is full of extremely ‘special’ people who hang around the main
shopping area know as the ‘town centre’. They hang about the dodgy
‘waterfall’ display thing, there is the obligitory burberry, henry lloyd,
rockport, reebok classics and the utlimate accessory a baby!!!
I think Telford is well worth a visit – espcially on a saturday, no
particular time as they hang around there all day and then go to the park to
drink cider and shout more abuse at passers by!