This town, in all rights, should be in the top 10. For it is a town that is pure C**v, and what makes things worse is that it doesn’t realise it is C**v.
The name Swindon literally means “Pig Hill” (from the Anglo-Saxon (Swine Dun). Ironical really.
This is a town that was shat straight from the a**e of St C**v himself, and left to harden as a dirty blot in the Wiltshire countryside.
I shall give a brief “Visitors guide” to the town – why this town deserves the title “World’s Chaviest Town”.
On leaving the M4 at J15, take the main road into Swindon – visitors will notice a pub on the left called “The Spotted Cow”. This is where a C**v man will take his scrape-back mother-to-be for “posh-nosh” (as opposed to one of the many, many fastfood joints dotted all over the town)
This is where a young Swindon C**v enjoys to unwind, play a few games of pool, watch the football and enjoy a massive plate of Steak and Chips for £4.99 washed down with a pint of luke-warm lager at £1.39 – “out av ‘tahn’ ” (out of the town centre)
Visitors should also notice the vast array of Chavved-up cars in the car-park, definitely worth a look. And the masses bimbling under hoods – admiring turbo-charged 1.4 litre engines.
Just before the Pub is the newly built “Great Western Hospital” (eveything is named after the Great Western Railway here – the only piece of Historical relevance the town has to offer – other that Dithbin the Brave, deputy protector of Wessex, took a dump here in 562AD).
This is where young 14 year old Chavettes hope they will get fertility treatment (as recently reported in the papers), seeing as they have been having sex for a couple of years now, and are still not pregnant. Either that or they are in the Clap-clinic as Wesley gave them a dose after a quickie in the back of his purple-coloured Nova.
Anyway – Proceed into the town centre (over the famous “Magic Roundabout” traffic system) and marvel at the beautiful Concrete landscape – interlaced with some teflon sheets an blue pillars here and there to “add character”.
Swindon town centre is C**v shopping paradise. Numerous sportswear shops, a barrage of cheap jewellery shops – Argos, of course – numerous “One pound” shops, TK Maxx – you name it – its there.
There is no point me telling you were all the C***s hang out. They are everywhere. Bumbling about in their little crews, and doing what we know and love.
However there is one interesting ethnic varient of the common c**v formula.
The Swindon Perm. Oh yes…….. welcome to the town of bad female hairstyles.
All that those naff hair products advertised on day-time TV in the past 10 years are bought, and still used here today. Perms, crimping, peroxiding, “highlights” (which are of poor quality, and look more like the C******e gained from throwing up in a toilet from drinking too much “MD 20/20”, and forgetting to flush away the bleach first) – all can be observed and enjoyed here.
The Swindon C**v also dresses slightly different from his comtemporaries. This is because Swindon has in it an icon – no infact a jewel of comtemporary C**v culture – born like a phoenix from the decaying embers of its once proud Railway “heritage”.
The Great Western Designer Outlet Village – “EUROPE’S LARGEST COVERED DESIGNER OUTLET VILLAGE!”
The word “designer” is to be used carefully here. Oh yes you will find a number of “Designers” here – but it is all their stock that didnt sell last year – or is the kind of “seconds” normally found in TK Maxx.
C***s come from all over the South-West to spend a day out here; buying Levis, cheap Nikes, Ben Sherman shirts, Baseball caps and oh yes A BURBERRY SHOP!!!!
Theres even a couple of cheap suit places, so the young C**v can purchase his suit when he has to go to court to have his driving license suspended.
This is a clothing manufacturers dream. Normally they would have to chuck out all of there “seconds” and crap that no-one in there right mind would want to buy – now finally they have a place to sell them – and the C***s of Swindon lap it up.
After you’ve got your threads – its a night on the town!! But oh no we have a problem!!! Swindon has gone “upmarket” at night, and wont let you in to their establishments with you white track-suit bottoms (I remember we called them Shell-suits on the 80’s, ah well)
But hey! You’ve got your 12 Quid designer shirt (although one side of the collar is higher than the other), and your cheap slacks with Burberry turn-ups and your bargain pair of Clarks shoes – lets go!!
All the chain pubs are here – plus theres a road that by-passes the area where you can Rev that engine, and impress the girls who are milling around the area.
If you fancy a spot of clubbing there is the one, the only “Destiny and desire” (or Desperate and Divorced, as it is effectionately known by the locals ).
Here you can dance your little heart out to the latest RnB tracks – or on another floor , some cheesy-chart dance music. Again, if you are wearing your £100 pair of trainers you will be rejected. But wear your £15 Clarks (from the designer outlet village) – an woohoo! You’re in!
If you don’t facny that theres Mission – in the “Old Town” (the more “upmarket” part of town – yeah right) – has the same bad DJ’s playing chart music interlaced with an odd Bon Jovi song or a Club-classic.
Again theres a car park right next to it, more possiblities to observe C**v motors, and watch pissed Chavettes stumble across it screaching lyrics from the latest gansta (sic) rapper.
Or there’s Soda – a club that tries to model itself on a “modern bar/club” – but just ends up being Chavvie anyway.
I would definitely recommend a visit, as the C**v element can be enjoyed by car and on foot.