In the deepest darkest pits of surrey, not far from the appropriately labelled “craptown” Croydon, Lies a little unsuspecting town called Sutton.
Over the years its increasing youth culture has slowly been overtaken by the social virus that has now been commonly labelled “Chavtitas”.
More contagious then the H5N1 strain, Chavtitas has spread through this town quickly, mostly effecting 8-20 year olds with very little prospect of ever leaving the town.
To diagnose Chavtitas, the most common symptoms are; having a beer can permenantly stuck to either hand whilst a cigarette occupies the other; speaking in a language that only another infected being can fully understand; wearing a baseball hat/hooded jumper or clothing that is only fit for a guy fawkes burning; has an aggressive nature and complete disrespect to non-infected beings and a compelling urge to commit a crime.
One can easily be fooled by the town playing host to a large library, a selection of coffee shops, restuarants and bookstores. But as you travel deeper into the crevices of the high street, you soon realise the virus has not only affected its people but also its stores.
Cheap Shoe stores, Wilkensons, Pound shops, cheap sports shops, matalan, T J Hughes, T K Maxx, fast food chains and many more alike, all of which appeared within a few years of eachother.
And the virus is still spreading at a vast rate as Sutton prepares itself for its largest spout of infection yet………..A giant Primark.
As a former resident, who escaped just as the infection began, one can only hope society soon finds a cure in the shape of a desperately needed cultural cleansing.
May Vicki Pollard have mercy on us all………………….