Sutton-in-Ashfield, Nottinghamshire, Property guide and review

Welcome to Sutton-in-Ashfield! Situated north of the Chav-tastic Mansfield, this ex-mining town is a hive of Chav activity. Sutton is not made up of council estates – it’s just one big dumping ground. Having said this there is a particularly hellish area called The Coxmoor estate for the truly underprivileged.

It is here on this estate that we meet Kylie. It’s a Monday night and Kylie (13) is getting ready for the under-18’s night in Mansfield. The dress code is strict, there is no denim or chewing gum allowed. What’s a girl to do,? Ha! Kylie knows and has skipped school to go to the market especially to buy a white mini-skirt that will just about cover her market-grey pants – as long as she doesn’t bend over to pick up the Lambert and Butler fag she may drop. Her Nike Air Max trainers match the white skirt a treat and to finish off it’s got to be a Wonder bra, vest top and Adidas tracksuit jacket – what else?! To compliment this ensemble she adorns herself with chunky gold jewellery, including the beautiful gem encrusted clown pendant her mam got her for Christmas. Her hair is permed, put in a ‘Burberry’ scrunchie and lacquered to death but we all know it looks good so it’s been worth it.

Her brother Dale (19) is taking her into Mansfield in his gold D reg Cavalier, he’s going to the circuit anyway to pick up some fanny. The car’s phat coz his mate Wayne lowered it for him, and he added a spoiler (it’ll look the dogs swingers when it’s sprayed), and on the reg plate he’s put a sticker which reads “Lower than yer Grandma’s tits!” Pimpin’!

He stops off at the corner shop to get Kylie the vodka she wants (buy 2 get one free) and her fags. Her and her mates Demi, Chantelle and Mandy can get off their tits now. And tonight is bonus night coz Chantelle has managed to get some Poppers. It’s gonna be buzzin! The lad Kylie reckons is well fit, Shane (14), is going to be in the club later. She shagged him last week in the park but then she found out “that slag Chelsea from The Hill, shagged him the next night! Well it’s alright coz Kylie’s gonna smash the c**ts face in when she sees her, innit!

Next we meet Kylie and Dales twin sisters, Danika-Rae and Dana (16).
It’s a Friday night and Danika-Rae’s gone to the Sun Dial in Sutton town centre. The weathers a bit cold but she wears a similar outfit all year round coz it looks well tasty. Tonight she’s wearing her catalogue K-Swiss’s, ‘Grandad’ socks with her Addidas 3-stripe tracky bottoms tucked into them. Her thin Ralph Lauren blue coat is the bollocks and looks safe with her Burberry scarf, which serves no purpose other than to cover half her spot/foundation infested face. Her hair is scraped back in the aptly titled Council Estate Face Lift.

Her boyfriend Cookie (surname Cook) (15) has just come to meet her on his BMX – wicked. She recognises him instantly by the way he wears his cap with his hoodie top up as well – Sexy or what?! He greets her by eating her face off whilst groping her arse before handing her a bottle of Diamond White. Cookie’s one hard mutha fucker, he’s been arrested twice and everything. And he once told that smelly old Bastard on the estate to f**k off while he lobbed egg’s at his house. It was well funny!

Danika-Rae and Cookie will hang out with their mates on the benches, get Tonto on cider and spliffs -if Smiggy (surname Smith) could get any, write their name on every surface in sight, dare their mates Mazza and Bugby (Surname Jones!) to shag each other and make as much mess in one place as is humanly possible. As the night draws to an end Cookie will end up mouthing off at random people for eyeing up Danika-Rae (and who wouldn’t, she’s a beauty) before he and Danika-Rae head off to the near by car park for a good f**k, after which Danika-Rae will have to re-arrange the scarf to hide the slag-rash Cookie has lovingly marked her with.

Danika-Rae’s sister Dana has decided to ‘Trev’ round the pubs. Her mams come out with her. Dana is dressed in a similar skirt to the one Kylie had for ‘Nappy’ night. She’s got some lovely chunky black wedged shoes and her favourite earrings which she got from Ingoldmells market. They’re 3″ in diameter, gold obviously with the word Bitch written across the middle and a Playboy handbag to set it off. She put her tight belly top t-shirt on which reads “If only these were brains.” Dana looks beautiful, she’s 7 months pregnant and wants the world to know it. Her and her mam are dancing in the Nags Head. Dana’s drinking a WKD blue and is smoking a menthol – she’s come off Berkley Superkings recently, well she is pregnant you know. Dana is unsure who the father is. She’s narrowed it down to 4 – Jordan (21), Woody (15), Daz (36) & Trav (19). She hopes it’s Jordan coz he’s got a good job, he’s been a fruit packer for nearly a year now. He’s also waiting for some compo to come through for an accident he had that wasn’t his fault. She can’t wait to contact the CSA!

The last edition to this picture of a wholesome family is Barry (24) or Boz to his mates in the nick. He can’t go out, he’s been tagged. Not that he’d bother wasting his f*****g Giro money in Sutton anyway. What’s the point? It’s w**k so he’s staying in with his missus, Trisha. He’s going to the shop on the way to get 24 cans of Carling/Fosters/Stella/Special Brew – which ever’s the cheapest. They’re going to put the five kids to bed and get battered on the settee. Trisha is besotted with Boz’s bad boy looks. He’s got dark black hair and a goatee to match – it looks a bit wispy like it’s never been shaved. His front tooth is chipped and another one is missing. He’s got no meat on his bones but he’s got plenty of tattoos to compensate for that and he’s father to at least one of the kids. He’s a catch and no mistake!

All the kids (and there are a couple of younger ones too) are just passing the time until they grow out of being Chavs (it happens when nearing 30)and can start going to the local Social Club with their parents every Saturday.

An ambition we can all aspire to!


Top 10 worst places to live in England 2018