Stockton on tees is a market town that dates back to the 13th century. You would think it would be quaint but quaint it ain’t. On the high street there are pubs every 5 metres and plenty of alleyways to throw up in after you have sank 20 pints in the happy hour. So, welcome to chav paradise!
If you are a bit strapped for cash there are plenty of pound shops and charity shops to get kitted out in. If you are unemployed of course, this is all beneath you. You will insist on wearing the latest burberry and designer labels with all the necessary chunky gold bling to go with it. You will then go on parade every Saturday, taking your kids (who you dress up in footie outfits) for a cheese pastie or splashing out at Macdonalds for some delicious chav cuisine!
You won’t bother getting a job because the local call centres insist you can string a sentence together when answering calls, ‘Ugggghhh…are you dissing me or what?’ is a phrase not conducive to keeping the customer happy anyway!
Unemployment is so high here, the local council displays the number of unemployed on a banner across the local town hall. Chavs stand under this with a marker pen nicked from Smiths to add another number as soon as they leave school
(which they never went to anyway)
Girls don’t worry! You can get pregnant at fifteen, get a council house and pretend that your child has asthma and eczema to claim the care component of the disability allowance. The older unemployed get a walking stick so they can claim the full whack, and limp to the local pub to drown their sorrows.
Stockton incredibly has a university. This is the ‘University of Durham at Stockton’. I pity any poor student who ends up in Stockton as it is a s******e where there is nothing to do but get hammered every night. On the other hand, you could always buy a bag of skag for a tenner, an accolade that made the national news as Stockton was named the cheapest place to buy heroin. So there you go – Stockton is number one holiday destination for junkies! Scumsville of this rank is hard to find!