Welcome to ‘sunny’ Stamford, a quiet market town recently named as the best place to live in the UK by the Sunday Times. A picturesque existence steeped in history awaits the weary traveler, as does the town’s fine selection of traditional pubs and enticing restaurants. It seems that nowhere in the country could a more pleasant abode be found – but how much longer before sunny Stamford becomes ‘scummy Stamford’?
Despite Stamford’s peaceful appearance, the town is actually in the midst of repelling a c**v invasion of potentially massive proportions. Unfortunately situated to the North East of Peterborough and flanked by Corby and Leicester, Stamford is an oasis in a rising sea of cheap tracksuits and boy racers. With Peterborough only a single train station away Stamford has become an easy access for cities less desirable inhabitants, leading to an increase in robberies and shoplifting incidents in the town center. Worse is the impact on Stamford’s relatively sparse nightlife – entire taxi loads of geared up c***s and chavettes are shuttled into the town centre every Friday to make the most of the relatively uncrowded drinking holes, leading to smashed windows and fist fights on the regular. This disturbing influx has already begun to influence the town’s own youth, who are beginning to show signs of early onset chavitis. Symptoms include underage drinking, playing shitty tinny music from your mobile in public, and even battle cries of the dreaded “INNIT BRUV!”.
It is hard to tell what the future holds for Stamford, although rumours have begun to spread of a resistance of a dissaproving middle class militia ready to utilise the town’s many historic churches as boarded up defences against the oncoming c**v-zombie apocalypse.
Perhaps it’s time to move to higher ground, we hope you enjoyed your stay.