Bless its little heart… on the surface Stalham is a sleepy broadland village with a high proportion of the Essex retired (and my parents)… by day that is. By night….. it becomes **** hell, a seething mass of bored teenagers in Burberry stealing cortinas and throwing kebabs. In fact, it’s not unlike ‘Salam’s Lot…. I think that the Essex retired mutate into Dals and Mels when the sun goes down and swarm onto each other biting each others’ necks leaving the distinctive mark.. the hicky.

The high street used to be the main hang out… if you wanted to walk between the church and the Maids Head you were pretty much fucked unless you didn’t mind being twatted round the head with the orange squash bottle (the current football of choice). Now, since the advent of the new Tescos, (or Tescooos as it’s known in Norfolk) things have gorn roite down hiill. I visited Stalham at Christmas (parents)… the first time since the traditional market was flattened and Tescos was built. Talk about Deliverence meets Sports World!! Shambling figures with dragging knuckles in Burberry… it was like shopping in the mall in Dawn of the Dead!!!
The piece de la resistance was the brass band playing carols in the car park (now i don’t was to be too judgemental here because I was in said band when I was at school). It was like wolves in sheeps clothing (or ***** in band uniform).

Things are so bad for stalham ***** that they actually have to travel to North Walsham (see other entry) to sign on on a Thursday.

As Stalham is equidistant from Norwich and Yarmouth, there is a veritable plethora of chavalia within easy reach. Yarmouth in particular has Regent Road…. a ‘holiday street’ of the highest order with discount and knock off shops extrordinaire. Of course, Yarmouth has the advantage of the sea front, where your discerning local **** can drive their souped up chavalier with windows open and boom box booming. However, **** entertainment is, for Stalham, an out of town experience. For your **** with transport, there is even Lathams of Potter Heigham (Super Discount Store, we’re the biggest and best on the broads) to furnish their chavwear needs.

In the **** stakes, Stalham is goldie lookin’ gorgeous!!!

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2020