St Helens

St Helens – it really is grim up north!

Well where do you start with St Helens? The whole town is now ******** with **** ****. Not a day goes by when you don’t see a Burberry wearing, bling bling *******, with Rockport boots and a Freddy Krueger striped jumper.

If you go to their natural breeding grounds, mainly Thatto Heath and Parr you’ll see baby **** **** – the new breed. Wearing baby knuckle dusters cleverly disguised as sovereign rings, with names like Chantelle and Kylie. Their mothers are no better with their chenille bright pink all in one rompa suits, fake tans and cropped tops, usually saying something insightful on them like ‘**** everyone’, but only fake **** obviously. Said tops are usually displaying their fat, stretched marked, belly pierced stomachs. Yuck.

How grim is your Postcode?

Right lets start with nightclubs – Nexus the resident hunting ground for the ***** is a sight to behold on a Saturday night, you just need Richard Attenborough to narrate, around 11pm all tanked up with cheap cider the **** girls arrive, they hit the dance floor immediately, in the wild this would be the lake where the animals bathed, obviously being ***** they do not purchase a single drink mainly because their family allowance doesn’t stretch to it but also because they rely on the hunter ***** to provide for them.

An hour or so later the clones sorry ***** arrive, full of provido and ready to catch and obviously impregnate their mate – it doesn’t take long for them to infiltrate the dancefloor and knock other law abiding, decent folk off the dancefloor because if you blink or direct an eyeball in their direction then your likely to get a sovereign ring imprint on your face. **** girls are immediately drawn to the boys through the smell they give off, usually Burberry for men or some other knock off aftershave they managed to get from the Sunday car boot sale. 9 months later and they have a baby Charmaine and they are top of the housing list! Mission accomplished.

Mid week the ***** usually spend their time destroying bus stops, hiding in entries like ******, throwing rocks at the moon, or sitting around in large groups in the parks, the **** boys sit around discussing world politics (how they wish their job seekers would increase) and basically put the fear of god into any one who walks past. Usually smaller groups of ***** hang around the local off licence or B & M (this is a great store that sells out of date food to *****) and like a pack of wolves they descend on people and force them into the shop for their tipple – 10 litres of your cheapest cider please.

Although Nexus is the biggest hunting/mating area for **** they have now infiltrated most bars, the Dali bar for instance seems to be full of tiny **** ****, incredibly small girls much like Frodo from the Lord of the Rings, obviously stunted in growth as their mothers smoked 600 cheap **** a day during their pregnancy, this is a very popular **** bar along with the delights of the stinking of vomit bar – Chicago Rock. The girls in here dress like models, yep they model steel capped boots and balaclavas.

Town Centre by day is another thing and just shows how the whole town is being turned into a haven for ****. We have Greggs which the ***** love, this is situated right next to Mother Care and opposite Poundland, coincidence – I don’t think so. Although Greggs does have competition as a new shop in town now sells HOT TOAST, this has sent the devoid of brain cell ***** into a quandary, I mean – HOT TOAST……………..

The last weekend in June really does put the fear of god into all decent St Helens folk (some do exist), for it’s the St Helens Show, this is basically a scene out of braveheart where ***** turn on other ***** and a battle royal commences, oh they do have a fair too, Silcocks Death Fair as its known and no doubt this year a HOT TOAST stall. But the crème de la crème of **** do not appear till after dark, they come armed with maces and machetes and then hit the death fair. The common place for ***** to hang out and compare clothes and armoury is the Waltzer, again this is common breeding ground for the ***** and to see hundreds of ***** in one area – a sea of burberry and lacoste is really a sight to behold, ***** from far and wide come to see this natural annual occurrence.

All in all St Helens is a **** ******** dump and I advise any decent citizen to leave, then we can build a dirty great big wall around the place and nuke the lot of them…………..

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