That Chav hasn’t originated in Southend comes as a great shock to me. The town has a feature the chavster finds irresistable, a ‘seafront’. That this doesn’t actually front the sea, but rather the estuary of the moving cesspool that is the Thames, seems not to matter to either the chavster, who after all doesn’t even know what an estuary is, or to the Town ‘Authorities’. The Seafront is home to the ‘Golden Mile’, 1/2 a mile of neon lighting and arcades that acts as a magnet to all things burberry and fake designer on a weekend. Only in a Town as Chav as Southend could a 1/2 mile stretch of detestable run down pubs and samey arcades be called the ‘Golden Mile’. And the Chavs flock there. On a sunny weekend the beach, an imported abrasive yellow rock, is packed with Shardonnays and their 4 chavlings all of whom have travelled along the Cahvviest of railway lines, the Fenchurch Street line, passing through Grays, Tilbury and Pitsea before making camp next to Adventure Island and glaring at anyone who dares look in their direction.
On a weekend evening the area is full of chavettes and young chavster blokes desperate to mate and produce more chavscum to infect our world. There is no better place to meet the chavette of your dreams than on ‘slags wall’. This stretch of concrete between the eateries of ‘Pebbles 1’ and ‘Pebbles 2’ is a wonderful place for the young chavette to display her collection of bling and her pink plastic mini-belt. A chavster need only approach the wall, choose a chavette, mumble a few words of chav-speak and as sure as Kevin’s his uncle, he’s in there.
If a non-chav local should dare stray into the area between the Kursaal and the Esplanade Pub the Chavsters, hunting in groups of no less that 12, will duely relieve the innocent little treasure of all their paaands and give then a good slap so they remember the encounter.
To finish I must put forward my final argument as to why Southend is the chavviest of all places. It is not the baseball caps on the street corners, the Chavs hanging outside the town’s 5 McDonalds, the shoplifting from every One-Stop in the area or the fact that Estuary English was born here. It is the highlight of the Chav calender, the festival where all of the Southeast can gather together as one, the Southend Airshow. From around 10am the Chavchurch Street line pours hoody after hoody, football shift after football shirt into the town. 100,000 of them! They drink , they fight, they steal, they don’t watch the planes! No where else will you ever see so many Chavs in one place. And what draws them all here? It’s free!!! Europe’s biggest free Airshow and thereby Europe’s most attractive Chav day out. Fun for all the family. Tracy and Jason can knock back a couple at Chinnerys whilst Mercedes, Jasmine and Brandon can get lost and go crying to the Old Bill to be babysat for most of the afternoon. A free day out, with free childcare. Perfect.
There’s so much more to say about Southend, it’s a must visit destination for the keener, and braver, chav-spotter. If you really want to fit in make sure you drive a lowered Nova with underskirt lighting and at least one panel that’s a different colour from the rest. Every Saturday night’s a cruise night, so bring the family. Just don’t get out the car.