Southampton- The Monte Carlo wanabee of England

HampshireSouth East

I have a bad track record of ending up in the Kingdom of Chav. Portsmouth was the first stop on the road but before leaving the UK, I had a brief 9 month stop in the wonderful city of Southampton.

Id describe Southampton as a “Chav hotspot in denial” as lets face it, Southampton likes to think of itself of some kind of English MonteCarlo by the sea(without the casinos and the decent weather).

The Southampton Chav is best viewed outside of its natural habitat for a “stroll” in the likes of Millbrook, Shirley or Thornhill is not advised at any time of the day, month or year.

The “second home” to the younger Chav in “sathamptn” is the Pool hall just a stones throw(!) from the Burger King and McDonalds corner in Above Bar (aptly named as when chavs get preggers down there, they can barely reach the height of an average bar).

The funny thing about the “pool playing” chav is that despite paying for a table at 4 quid an hour, they dont tend to use the balls (or the table) very much. In fact, the balls are more “scenery” for the Samurai stick fighting festival that takes place next to the small tables by the bar. Yes indeed, 4 quid is nothing for these idiots for the loan of a snooker cue to use to batter the hell out of eachother.

Chavs in Southampton do seem to have a form of communication best thought of as a grunting sound mixed with a scream “Come over ere nah!!!!!” and “Oy Tracey, get us a coke wud ja?” and are familiar phrases in this part of town.

Ill say this for the Southampton Chav though, they all seem proud to be the scrapings of their community as there appears to be a direct link between Chavism and supporting the “Saints”, the local erm… team!.

As a teacher in this capital of Chav, I witnessed many disturbing things in my classroom….the worst of which was two classic chavs deciding that when I was out the room dealing with another chav related incident, to “simulate sex” on the far side of the room! Yes, Chavs in Soton cant wait to get that first baby and the check that comes with it, after all, they all “fake” their GCSE certificates so they tell me.

Of course, the adults arent much better. On a “riverboat shuffle” with Year 11 I was convinced that one of the little chavs would try and get it on on the top of the boat. So sure I was it was on the cards I decided to check a funny noise coming from the top deck. It wasnt the kids, oh no no no no…it was two born and bred southampton chav TEACHERS getting it on…..I guess that idea of teachers as role models is true enough then…

The worst thing though about Southampton, with all the towns near it virtually joining together, who knows where the chavism ends! Quite possibly, its one big town all the way to Basingstoke….a scray thought if ever there was one.

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2019