South Woodham Ferrers

East AngliaEssex

Although Essex has to be the C**v capital of the universe, most of the focus has remained on some of the larger C**v hotspots; Basildon, Wickford and Canvey Island for example… (admittedly there are quite a few)…

Anyways, it is clear that the C***s who cannot afford to live in such superior C**v Council Estates have descended upon the smaller towns, such as the lovely South Woodham Ferrers, nestled neatly between the more popular C**v hangouts, which makes it even more frustrating for the non-C***s among us.

All local school drop out C***s seem to be rather attracted to the church wall in the town centre, or as I like to think of it – the mother ship calls them home. Activities which take place on this wall include smoking, shouting at passers by, erm…smoking a bit more usually… Although these manky C**v Monkeys have to back home by 7pm to de-activate their latest piece of bling, (electronic tags to civilised beings), they regularly sit there for pretty much the whole evening. Doing nothing, except maybe adjusting their crown: the classic vertical cap. You can always spot the alpha male, his is the one so far up, it’s practically fallen off the back of his head, compared to the timid new boy with an innocent horizontal peak. It is these who can be saved from the Chavvy madness.

Despite the recent ‘crackdown’ by Police on the anti-social behaviour of such ‘people’, C***s are still strutting around as if they own the place. I think it’s because they’re not lucky enough to live in a homeland such as Basildon, that they try to console themselves by trying to take over SWF in an attempt to invade England slowly. Grab your torches and pitchforks, as they say, I will not let it happen. Chuck ‘em all on Canvey, because lets face it, the majority of the country’s C**v population are concentrated there anyway. That way, we can limit the contact we have to make with them, and if push comes to shove, bridges can be burned…

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2019