South Norwood

I’ve lived a fairly sheltered life in terms of having no ****-like qualities and coming from a respectable area where we didn’t have any ****** neighbours… and then I got pally with a girl when I had to regularly phone the company where she was employed as a PA, we decided we should go out for a beer since we always had a laugh on the phone… we actually went to a nice french restaurant in Croydon and then she suggested that we got a cab over to her local since she thought her friends would really like me… so I entered the underworld that is SE25!!! Yes her friends definitely liked me because they’d clearly never seen anybody like me before – my jewellery is platinum and not a clown or soverign in sight (keeper rings also seemed to be de rigeur in this particular domain) my hair was neither bleached nor permed-scraped-back-into-a-gelled-ponytail and I only wear sportswear when doing sports!! I honestly felt like I’d stepped off the cover of Vogue!! To be fair I wasn’t greeted like a predator because I was wiv one of dem init, but I sat there bored out of my wits while they talked about dreaming of owning a D registered BMW, if only they had taken their driving test before they took their gap year at Her Majesty’s Pleasure… Well, I liked my new friend but that didn’t mean I had to like her OTHER friends any more than I’d expect her to automatically love MY other friends, nevertheless whenever she suggested going out, we ended up back in the ****** pub… actually I am surprised that she was actually prepared to leave chavland to go to restaurants or the cinema with me, since everybody else in SE25 seemed to think it to be the centre of the universe, the hub of which is Selhurst Park and the pub! Oh, and Crystals nightspot for a special function (I never went there) My friend’s birthday was coming up and she confided that she wanted to do something a bit different (I’m surprised they didn’t bottle her for treachery!!!) and I said how about going for a nice meal – get this, she said that she thought some of the people in her group of friends “wouldn’t be comfortable going for a meal” yeah cos their idea of going for a meal is sitting on the window ledge inside the kebab shop on a friday night to eat their southern friend chicken and chips (none of that foreign **** kebab muck fanks gov’ner!) Several of her friends have been to prison and are proud of it in the same way as I’m proud of my academic achievements, and many of them can be seen flogging knock-off gear and then complaining that some druggie has robbed their house of small things that they can flog to fund their habit!! Sadly I fell out with this girl a couple of years ago when she had the gall to criticise MY lifestyle, she is now pregnant by another man’s husband so she can upgrade to a premier citizen of chavsville when it’s born, but sadly I cannot observe this little community for my own amusement any more!

Spot them all up and down Portland Road, the Body Piercing and Tattoo parlour on Portland Road, the Port Manor (for a classy sunday night disco) or the Jolly Sailor (for Friday night Karaoke – you never know which record labels may have their A&R people scouting in there!!) but a word of warning don’t go in there if you’re not with a regular, you can frighten the neanderthals and we all know attack is the best form of defence!

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