Somewhere near you! A New Breed of **** is emerging

Springing up in all corners of the UK, the new breed of **** locale is merging, the domain of a new breed – the **** made good!

All around the UK, the likes of Bovis & Wimpey are hurling up vast estates of 3 bedroomed semi detached Barratt boxes in which upwardly mobile ***** are flocking in droves. The typical make up looks like this…

Dad works as a Car Salesman or self employed plumber/electrician/locksmith (specialising in £150 call out charges & utter incapability of fixing anything) and takes great pride in parking his battered plain white van in his miniscule drive next to the girlfirend’s 7 year old BMW 3 series compact.

How grim is your Postcode?

He can normally be seen on a Saturday morning in Man U away shirt & weird 3/4 length sport trousers with a copy of the Sun in the back pocket polishing his alloys and swearing at the kids who are stealing other children’s bikes.

Mum is propped up in the doorway taking the print off Heat magazine and working her way through 3 packs of Berkley menthol before zooming off for her shift at the call centre. The house is a strange mixture of a homage to Ikea and framed posters of Ferraris and Fantasy Dragons with the obligatory crossed Samurai swords in the front room.

The upwardly mobile **** likes nothing more than to entertain on a Sunday which normally involves incinerating bright pink “Chinese Flavour” Asda “meat” on the vast barbecue in the postage stamp sized lawn whilst booming out R&B from the open Bedroom window. He & his equally ****** mates neck fifteen stubby bottles of Wife Beater whilst the female ***** squeeze their corpulent lycra arses into B&Q plastic garden furniture conduct a furious Pomagne-fuelled arguement at the top of their lungs about who the fathers of their children might be.

The kids entry into the local schools instantly downgraded all the key stage results, but has led to mammoth rises in illiteracy, bullying & teenage pregnancy, all of which will not impact on their future career aspirations to be premiership footballers (boys, especially fat ones) or R&B singers (girls, especially fat ones).

Leisure for the youngsters is centred around playstations, car theft & vandalism (boys) or electronic dance mats, karaoke & blow jobs (girls).

The key differences between these & the common or garden **** is the higher prospect of employment (though never in a useful occupation & preferably one requiring no qualifications), the preference for Ralph Lauren, Ellesse & Evisu over Burberry (still fake, naturally) & the mandatory thirteen maxed-out credit cards from stocking up on cheap 18 carat bling whilst on holiday in Ayia Napa.

Beware these fifth columnists, these are the shock troops & (relative) intellectuals who will rouse their **** brethren for the revolution.

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