A reasonably nice place that I have lived in all my life, ruined by one thing; *****, or as they’re known around the area, Kevs (Male) and Shazzes (Female, just about).
Kevs are bad enough, covered from head to toe in burbery or in bright white tracksuits; often found walking around in a fashion they think makes them look “hard”, when in actual fact, they look like a wounded ape with an itchy ******. Wearing caps placed at rediculous angles, hurling insults at passers by and threatening to “Bost” the face of anyone smart enough to reply, as they do not have the mental capacity to think of a comeback and have to resort to violence. Or at least empty threats of it. Truth is, none of them could punch their way out of a paper bag, but strength is in numbers, and in groups of about 15 ******* round by “Maccy D’s” or in a park somewhere, they tend to think that they are “the ****”.
Anyway, moving on from Kevs, Solihull Shazzes are the reason that Solihull is Chlamidia capital of the U.K. Simply, and in the nicest possible way, these sorry excuses for women are ****. Scraped right off the bottom of the proverbial barrel, slapped into some tight jeans, wearing ****** fluffy boots that are unsuitable for any terrain, ever, and wearing coats that look like they’ve been made out of a sleeping bag and some kind of furry woodland animal slapped along the hood, they go around sleeping with anything that’s willing. And that’s just the 12 year olds…they get worse with age. Hair pulled back, and often held out on the side in a ponytail that just makes them look like they needed to see what they were doing in the mirror so they couldn’t put the ponytail at the back. Skin pulled so tight across the forehead, you can see the grease and blood oozing out and gathering along the hairline of the offender. One question I have to ask is: How the **** do these ******, overly made up ******* get laid? We know the motives: to get pregnant so they can get a council flat in “North Solihull”, formerly known as Chealmslea Wood; Also known as the **** hole of the Midlands. From there it’s a downhill slope of cooking tinned food over burning tyres while waiting for the dad to send some child support and leeching off the council and raising the offspring to be more “bottom of the barrel” ****.

The cycle never ends, more **** are brought into the world to try to terrorise the formerly respectable area of Solihull at only 8 years of age.

Sometimes it really hurts to know murder’s a crime, a good old fashion bit of mob justice would make everyone’s life some much easier in Solihull.

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I wonder how long it will take these ****’s to realise that
EVERYONE HATES YOU!!!! There have been countless newspaper articles and even a television programme about how pathetic ***** are but still they insist on dressing and behaving like this!

Do these ***** wake up in the morning and think “hmm i wonder how much more of a tw*t can i make myself look like today?” or “I know for a change lets go hang around up Solihull and wreak havoc on the poor citizens”

I have lived in Solihull well before Touchwood was built, before that i don’t even think i knew what a **** was. Then as soon as the last brick was cemeted into place and sudden rush of little, screaming children dressed in matching track suits came running into Solihull. Now i understand how interesting Touchwood can be, i understand why people would gather there: because of the shops and the cafes and bars but hang on a second they don’t do that… oh right yes sitting on leather sofas in the middle of touchwood is much more interesting. Wow i wish i had spent more of my childhood ******* around the streets.

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I really don’t understand *****. No seriously i just don’t understand. Fair enough there are some people who you don’t want to meet on a dark night who do happen to wear sporty clothes but do these little children of around 8 or 9 think they are as scary? Oh yes of course that *** makes you look terrifying, argh run for the hills, some 10 year old is ‘giving me evil’s’!!!!

The only thing worse than a **** is 8 of them. Oh my good God! The bus has now become a place of constant worry and annoyance. Why they insist on shouting at their friends who are a foot away from them – ” Nah, nah blood dat Carly is sick in da head, I
is smoking da budda 2 nite den piecin Dean in da park” – mmm just what i want to hear on my way home from work, please tell me more, speak a bit louder while your at it.

Please take Vicky Pollard as your example – that’s what you look like and behave like – ‘sick’ isn’t it?

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Shaz day plan

-get bus, sit at the back and annoy every1 by smoking and talking really loud at the back of the bus

-get off bus in solihull and hang around by kings fish bar for a bit

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-get some replacement large hoop earrings (lost one at the ice rink that i go to every friday)

-Hairspray x3 (used it all up going to cineworld to piss everyone off shouting at the back during the film)

-pop into Jane Norman and demand another carrier bag so i look like i can afford nice clothes

-Go to argos, buy a 22″ necklace with a massive clown ******* on it

– run into saphora, spray on some burberry perfume and run out before the security guard comes

-Grab some **** and get some for the little ***** that arn’t old enough to get their own

– hang around in ‘maccy d’s’ for hours buying milkshakes and throwing chips at people

-get the bus home and smoke while its packed to annoy everyone

-go home put on the tinyest denium skirt and black snow boots

-hang around outside the off license and beg for some1 to get me some cider

-go to the pub, try and get served before putting up a fight with the bar tender when he chucks you out

-get pissed in the gully before being walked home by some kev

get home and plan what other things i can do to annoy everyone in solihull tomorrow

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It all started with the completion of touchwood shopping centre 3 years ago, before that anyone in solihull would not know what a **** is. But suddenly these wierd freaks who dress in ****** sports clothes started to take over “touchy” at first we laughed but then more and more people seemed to be following this wierd trend. They walk around like there from “da ghetto” but really they go to private school live in a big house and are called George.Like a bad smell or some infectious disease they linger around whilst everyone else tries in vain to avoid them. There was a time when solihull was a haven for all non **** kind, but now we are fighting a losing battle,everyday someone falls to the temptation of chavdom by donning the shiny white trainers and shell suit.

The main hang outs where the **** hang out are
1) Greggs- here they buy cheap pasties and cakes to sustain them for there 6 hour visit to solihull where they do bugger all
2) “Maccy D’s”- Here they can eat there cheap pasty or cake under the table whilst no-one is looking ( occasionally they may actually order something)
3)-Centre of touchwood- The cheif hangout where they make a quite posh shopping centre look *****.

Please help de **** our ton before its too late!

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Touchwood shopping centre. This new state-of-the-art browsing experience attracts ***** from Central Solihull and surrounds. The true Solihull **** has a difficult decision to make. Does he hang with his other **** mates outside the library founten or Sports Socca. What if his mum sees him in all his Burberry gear. The shock might **** her as shes spent a ton of cash on him with the best private education. ***** from North of the borough pile in to Touchy or inta MaccyD’s on the high street. The bench opposite the front window is where the hard ***** hang. Smoking is mandatory for all ********* from the age of 12 and the lighter must be nearly empty for maximum effect in showing off how to light the faaag. Mell Square is definitely non **** except for the fountain where

chavlings hang out, throwing beer cans,footballs and their mates new cd’s into the water. ***** have to arrive in Touchwood before the car parks are full to guarantee themselves a leather seat in this prestige shopping mall. A Textbook operation means that one **** has to guard four or five seats so the others can go and waste their money on trainers which have been reduced dahn to £3.99. Next it’s off to meet the laydee ***** who have been spending their money in clothes shops where huge hoop earrings are plentiful.

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The jewell in the West Midlands crown. The ideal home for doctors, executives, and all other good professions. A modern metropolis which prides itself in being the posh part of the Birmingham area. Sounds like an ideal place.

However like most places these days, nowhere is safe from old Kev and Shaz aka **** and ********. With an abundance of places to hang, chill and koch, its no wonder ‘they’ are attracted to the bright lights of this thriving posh town. Mcdonalds is obviously the 1st port of call. Here you will find the many Rockport wearing Kevs, ******* inside, on the wall outside, and on the generously placed benches outside. At a quick glance its safe to say only about 1 in 10 actually have brought anything from Mcdonalds.

Next stop in your **** spotting should be the new Touchwood shopping centre. A lovely glittering clean environment packed with all of your top shops and department stores. However the designer fashion wearing ****’s for some reason are not attracted to shops such as John Lewis – where every kind of designer label can be found. Instead, Sports Soccer with its amazing £18 England shirt offer seems to draw the kevs and shaz’s in.

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After a hard days shopping, who wouldn’t like to unwind with a bottle of Hooch? Well Solihull has an abundance of ‘**** Friendly’ pubs and bars, where you can wear your choice of headwear with little or no hassle, whilst taking advantage of happy hour. Sadly in the last few months Solihull has lost both its brilliant ****** nightclubs – Rosies and Bar Co. Fear not though, as a Wetherspoons has just opened – a **** Friendly pub with **** freindly prices!

Next its off to the ice rink – where Kevs do not like to Ice Skate. Instead sitting outside with a bottle of White Ace or 20/20 is deemed more fashionable.

Another key aspect of Solihull is its brilliant bus links. From the town centre you can get to all manor of places – Sutton, Castle Bromwich, Small Heath, and the excellent Chelmsley Wood. With such gorgeous surrounding areas, its no wonder Solihull has become the Midlands hub of all things Chavvish.

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