If the Earth ever requires an enema, Slough is undoubtedly where the tube will be inserted. Slough also happens to be THE Chav Capital of the UK, maybe even the world. Coincidence?
For those who have had the good fortune never to visit this hole, let me paint you a picture.
As you approach the Town along the M4 you cannot mistake the unmissable stench of s**t which seems to linger around the place and heralds your arrival at the scum-bag mecca.
You then simply follow the burnt out transits and astras until you come to the well equipped town centre. Here you will find all you need to maintain the Chav lifestyle, thus ‘keepin it real innit.’ JJB, Argos, New Look etc. are all present – you can even buy snide Burberry attire from a down-and-out with one eye and an even lower IQ.
Crack, Smack and just about every other illicit substance are available (just ask for ‘P’ ‘Z’ or any other Yardie-wannabe with a street name consisting of a single letter.)
Chavs can be found in abundance in the centre of town, hanging around Maccy Ds, KFC indulging in one of their favourite pass times – f**k all – still it beats getting a job doesn’t it.
Further afield are several estates (Britwell, Manor Park, Northborough to name but three) where the Chavs live in accomodation provided by the council and paid for by you and I.
This is where they keep their old fridges, brown mattresses, rusty motors with half the number of wheels they should have etc. Anyway, enough about their front gardens, lets have a look through the keyhole (and by that I mean the f*****g big hole left last week by the local constabulary!)
The houses are generally unfit for a dog to live in, and therefore provide the perfect place for Chavs to practice their rutting, producing a vast array of offspring by various different fathers (amazing when you consider how shallow the gene pool is.) In fact, there is so much inbreeding going on in these places that the chav kids have been banned from swimming contests (unfair advantage on account of the webbed feet…) and most family trees resemble stumps.
The only thing in the house worth any money will always be (WITHOUT EXCEPTION EVER!) the largest, latest PLASMA TV. It will be the focal point of the house and is their altar to the Goddess that is Trisha every single morning.
It is a common misconception that the hole in the ozone layer was caused by harmful CFC emissions. Not so. It was actually caused by the combined heat generated by a billion and one fairy lights, santas and crappy raindeer which bedeck these skips with windows all through the holiday season (ie December to November annually.)
From these estates it is just a short joy-ride to Maidenhead, Windsor and other upmarket areas with a vast abundance of large houses to screw for crack money, or the latest bling.
Whatever way you look at it, Slough is a truly amazing place. Here are some interesting facts: the highest Reebok Classics per head percentage in the UK. Average age of mother of first born child – 13. Average number of kids by the time they are 16 – 4.3. Average number of lawfully employed persons per household – zero.
Slough may have been home to ‘The Office’ sitcom, but it is also home to some of the finest examples you will ever see of the Common Chav and the Greater-spotted Chavette.
Please come and visit to see for yourself, but remember – KEEP YOUR CAR DOORS LOCKED AND MORE IMPORTANTLY KEEP MOVING!
Update from 2016: Still s**t.