Won a week in a caravan at Ingoldmelds on ebay for £40, a bargain I hear you say, wrong, if ignorance is bliss then this place has got to be the stoopid bastards Nirvana. We turned up on Saturday evening to a dirty pisspoor effort of a static, half the light bulbs were knackered, rust and mould down the bodywork, tobacco stained net curtains hanging outside the bottom of the doors( the person selling the holiday was big on emphasising the cleanliness and the condition it had to be left in at the end of the week or a £35 cleaning bill could be incurred-it was a s******e and we had to nuke the place with disinfectant just to get in!) Look out of the window and there it is- Fantasy Island and the Giant Roller Coaster, what a view, what treats await, what the f**k am I doing here?
After an anaesthetic 2 bottles of wine, finally fell asleep. The next morning I went outside to see the ‘neighbours’ arriving and getting out of the car with two dogs and a ferrett on a lead-no improvement there then. We went into Skegness and the sea front. To be fair to the Town Council the appearance of the place was good but it wasn’t long before a ‘w****r’ (collective noun) of c***s arrived at the car park in all their motoring finery(ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha – How much did it cost you, you knuckle dragging fuckwit ?ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha etc) and with the specification unbelievably dumb looking Beyonces, faces like clenched fists, in the passenger seat (”How comes is it I are always pregnant again Darren, if it’s not you then its my dad then it’s my grandad then it’s your dad then it’s his grandad, oh I jus dunno ?”) Once seen, tone of place is lowered beyond endurance and exit is the only answer, we were back home that evening(one weeks holiday in a day) keys returned in an addressed padded jiffy bag supplied by caravan owner that was so old and re-used that we had to tape up over old tape, posted as we left Skegness.
Lincolnshire is a good place for the c**v, the roads are so bad and their driving so bad, the red route advertises the casualty rate for the preceding month by the side of the road, and it’s a high one.