Although there are a couple of entries for our beloved Shittingbourne (one excellent and one not so good) I felt a few key points could be added about this haven of *********. So without further ado..
Welcome to fabulous Sittingbourne & Milton twinned with Ypres in Belgium! This fact, not lost on the more observant denizens of the ‘Bourne, has led to the creation of the marvellous “Ypres Tavern”.
One problem for observers of chavdom in the Bourne is where to draw the fine line between **** and dreaded ***** – as noted Sittingbourne is pikeydom personified. The difference will be most notable after the event depending on whether you have been simply booted round the floor (****) or chivved / bottled / ‘chaynd up’on’wall n baeten bwae’ (*****). If the general consensus is that ***** are ****, the ***** is nothing more than a total ****.
Most favoured haunt for our many ***** is probably the town’s relatively new Weatherspoon’s or Nitelife. JJ’s nightclub was once a magnet for ***** from as far away as London. Being in such close proximity to wonderful **** burghs like Teynham, Newington and Sheppey (“if Kent is the garden of England, Sheppey is the compost heap”) the night life of Sittingbourne on a ‘good’ night is nothing short of ******* sickening.
How best to describe the wonders of the Bourne’s ****** residents in a few words? Perhaps the old favourite that any remotely shaggable bird seen in the Bourne is guaranteed to have at least 3 kids. This is assuming she is under 18 otherwise she’ll have about 7 of the little beggars. By the age of 9 they will be out robbing, drinking, smoking and boasting about having shagged a **** moult of their own (despite having no pubes of course).
Perhaps the sign seen when driving in from the back end of Sittingbourne through Kemsley (better known as ‘Kemsley bwae’ or toytown) says it all;
“Sittingbourne & Milton – South East ‘In Bloom’ Award winner 1995, 1996”. Apparently this was the last time we had anything to boast about here, assuming that you consider an ‘In Bloom’ award something to boast about.
Perhaps the epitome of the Bourne is seen in our cinema. 2 screens, Cannon 2 is a particular beauty as it is about the size of the telly I have in my room. Of course you won’t be going to watch a film, thank God. Oh no – fellow ****-spotters I know that, like me, you will be attending to witness young ***** in their native element. Witness as they burble with pathetic puerile delight at the highly intellectual gag of throwing popcorn at some poor OAP whilst protesting their innocence. This despite the fact the poor old codger can physically see them do so and hear them cackling and japing about it. If you’re lucky you may witness them smoking in the cinema and the hapless usher charged with the task of throwing them out. At peak season this can result in headbuttings and the arrival of the ****’s mortal enemy: the filth.
Best of all would be to see the Bourne’s depraved and loosely ‘human’ citizens in action for yourself. I would suggest pubs such as “The Three Hats” in Milton High St or perhaps the legendary “Stumble Inn”. Management accepts no responsibility for injuries caused by your own ignorance in entering these establishments whilst not being a **** / pikee.
Another strong possibility would be to attempt a stroll down Kemsley or Murston (daylight hours only if you wish to live) or simply East Street on a Saturday night. For added value I recommend sparking up a cigarette in such locations and counting the number of seconds before a rasping high-pitched adolescent voice wheedles out, “Gis *** Bwae” before the chorus chimes in along with him “Spare’us *** bwae” “Gis look at that *** bwae” “D’you know my cousin bwae?” etc.
At this point you may want to run although you will probably find this difficult as you will no doubt be entranced at the sudden appearance of a pack of slavering ***** and pikees. Their average age will be around 12 but please don’t be deceived, they do intend to hurt you badly with weapons, regardless of how many **** you hand over.
So my friends, welcome indeed to Sittingbourne – a stinking hellhole filled with **** **** and ***** *******. If you think your town is bad, perhaps you should visit us and maybe things will brighten up!
N.B. This last sentence does not apply to the residents of Bluetown on Sheppey or Weeds Wood in Medway. These places apparently exist to make Sittingbourne look good.