Sidmouth, it is paradise… for the retired or elderly

Living in Sidmouth, Devon
Living in Sidmouth, Devon

Well, I am the first and probably the last person to add the beautiful coastal town of Sidmouth to this website because there is no internet or mobile signal unless you have WiFi and 90% of Sidmouths population are actually about 90 years old. Unfortunately, this means traffic in Sidmouth – the ‘Sidmodians’ – drive incredibly slow. They like to do 20 in the 50, but luckily that is a longish stretch of road so you can overtake them if you’re quick (and frustrated) enough. And you will be frustrated enough. As a result of the ageing population, the town is joyfully referred to by residents from surrounding towns and villages as ‘Gods Waiting Room’. However this is also due to pure jealousy as they cannot afford to live there. An outdated, wheelchair accessible 2 bed bungalow painted a classic 50’s shrimp pink will be on the market for at least half a million.

This is for good reason though. Sidmouth has gorgeous beaches, with different areas – some pebble, some sand. It has towering red cliffs and quaint wooden boats bobbing along one end. There is an old but still lively theatre, a large indoor swimming pool backing onto a lustrous green park, an old style cinema, cricket club, golf, bowles… it is paradise, especially for retired or elderly people. There is also a classic/vintage car club which meet up every couple of weeks. Better contribute a bit more to your pension RIGHT THIS SECOND if you have even the slightest consideration of moving to Sidmouth. If you have a BMW, Jaguar, Landrover or Mercedes, you will fit right in. Equally, a micra, nissan cube, hyundi i10 or a rover. Nothing in-between allowed. If not, you should have enough money to buy a new car too if you’re moving here. Just a heads up.

There is also a beautiful wooded moor atop of one side of the valley, and patchwork quilt fields atop the other side. The old town sits sweetly in the middle. Although there are a lot of take-aways and charity shops in town, there is a Rolys Fudge Pantry, Mountain Warehouse, Joules, Boots and New Look. These are all small miracles and your link to civilization. Also a ‘Fields’ – OAP Heaven. Cashmere, talcum powder gift sets, sock garters, slippers, blankets, magnifying glasses, doilleys, you name it. If you need to buy for your grandparents, get in there.

How grim is your Postcode?

There is no crime, apart from that one incident where a crazy person was brandishing a samurai sword around town and ****** someone but that was YONKS ago. There is only 1 club called Carinas or “‘Rinas” as it is called by youth from all of Devon, even those who don’t know it or have never been there. What makes Carinas so delightful is the fact they allow 17 year olds in, the legendary ‘Chlamydia pole’ that no-one dares touch, the ankle breaking stairs down to the loos and music from 2007. Can you think of any good tunes from 2007? No. Exactly.

As if it couldn’t get any better, a terminally ill old person left a spare 2 million quid to plant flowers all over the town to keep it beautiful. This is all year round, then in spring these are combined with millions of daffodils. Just google image Sidmouth Flower Legacy. Or just google image Sidmouth. Seriously. Don’t forget to visit the Donkey Sanctuary – apparently the richest charity in the UK which takes the piss a bit because donkeys are no longer needed or used for anything. I changed my mind, don’t go.

Woe is me, having to pretend to be embarrassed about how lucky I am and how much money I have when someone exclaims ‘Oooh Sidmouth!! Posh! You lucky thing. Oh i’m so jealous, I bet you are right by the sea aren’t you?!’ etc. etc.

Anyway, I moved away from Sidmouth and still tell people I live there. Hope that gives you the idea.

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