Sidley is a dingleberry hanging off Bexhill’s scummy backside. Just hop on the flea-infested bus from Eastbourne or Hastings and you’ll find yourself in Chav Heaven. The lively town centre boasts a Co-op, two hairdressers, a Danny’s Discount Store, two pubs, a garage, and an off-licence. Oh, and a SureStart centre where foetal chavs can learn how to tell Mayfair from Sovereign and Carling from Stella.
The local school is Bexhill High. Most lazy chav babies prefer to take the bus rather than face the 20-minute walk after their breakfasts of Mars Bars and Coke, but you can always see a couple of becapped BMXers scaring pedestrians on the way.
On Saturdays, all they migrate to Bexhill town centre, where their parents train them in shoplifting, or alternatively they let them loose on the local newsagent’s, where they can practise looking old enough to but ten Royals or a bottle of ‘Breeeeza’.
At 5pm, all the pensioners scurry home and bolt the doors, and the train station fills with chavs and chavettes with their vicious bulldogs. Here they practise mugging and bottling each other. The Devonshire Arms allegedly fills with fourteen-year-old girls blowjobbing the barmen for a vodka-and-coke, and the benches on the piazza outside sprout scroats swigging White Lightning. And after midnight we see them staggering home to Sidley waving their bottles and chanting 2Pac songs. The more adventurous may joyride home and then park the car in front of their own houses ready to be arrested in the morning.
Recently, the newsagent in Sidley was held up- the chav robber got his hand cut in half by the Sri Lankan chav owner, wielding a samurai sword. However, because the jury boxes in Sussex are filled with chavs, the robber got off and the owner got jail time.
Every day after 5, we see them lurking outside the local pub. The Pelham Hotel is too classy for this- so they sit on the wall outside the White Hart (?can’t remember the name?) where the bus shelter used to be. This was demolished because the little s***s kept jumping on the roof.
Ah, Sidley. What would we do without you? I know. We’d save the government about £10 million a year in Income Support and Jobseeker’s Allowance.