Written by Anonymous. Posted in North East, United Kingdom, Yorkshire

A quick tour of Sheffield, South Yorkshire

Unfortunately most people leave sheffield because of the lack of real career opportunities present in the city, and to most people anything paying minimum wage is not seen as a long term “opportunity”. However in the “ned” mentality something which offers the opportunity for survival and reward without education is seen as exactly this.

Outside of the academic year, the number of grumpy, narrow minded people (neds/scallies/scutters/chavs etc) in England’s steel city get their “home” to themselves once again. This species can’t complete a sentence without uttering the ‘f’ word, appear older than their years and visitors be warned:- if you don’t follow one of the two absymal football teams and wear fake burberry baseball caps and tracksuits then tha wain’t fit in wi’ t’ locals!

Serious point – More men than women make for a lot of social problems, particularly after a boozy saturday night out in Kingdom. This increases the likelyhood of anyone over the age of 12 being impregnated by desperate men aged anywhere between 13 and 50+.

Any trip around the city centre, particularly the Moor precinct cannot be undertaken without playing dodgems with all the poverty-stricken people who shuffle around the city centre admiring the pigeon droppings on the precinct, counting the number of charity/discount/pound stores (must surely be some kind of world or UK record set here)? All this while simultaneously trying to avoid clattering into the 16 year old pram-pushing single mothers and not making eye contact with rude Big Issue sellers or beggars. Elsewhere in the city centre lies a street called Haymarket – providing access to Castle Market, neds of all descriptions can be found in this building, sharing one cigarette between four of them, even those neds who are about to turn 30…..Listen out for how many of them have names like kids cartoon characters e.g. Mouse, Bambi, Tigger etc. Could be in Jungle Book. Castle Market, which symbolises for poverty what the Taj Mahal did for romance. Some of this dysfunctional race actually work in here. In the vicinity of castle market are the culinary delights of Burger King, the bookmakers, Cash Generator and the Cannon public house, which serves a dual role as an electrical store on the run up to giro day where visitors may purchase as many goods as they require that “have never been paid for”. On said giro day wealthier examples of the species may be found in KFC at the top of haymarket – one day little britney may even earn enough to afford a bargain bucket of her own. If she turns to prostitution. When the species requires sprucing up for a special occasion i.e. a court appearance, they can be found in the neighbouring fashion emporium a.k.a Primark. The species travel in luxury on new low-floor public transport (when permissible and not arguing with bus drivers about the cost of the fare) during the daytime. The area must have one of the newest fleets of buses in the country, possibly as South Yorkshire has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the UK. Alas, vehicles on many routes however, after 5.30pm, are only spotted as often as Haley’s Comet appears in the sky, forcing the ned, both male and female back to the confines of their estate unless they are fortunate enough to know an older ned.
Older types of ned travel around in any 15-20 year old car which would probably come second when racing against a greyhound at the Owlerton dog stadium. In the forest which is Sheffield, examples of the species can be seen in the “wild” particularly on Batemoor, Low Edges, Jordanthorpe, Gleadless, Manor, Arbourthorne, Norfolk Park, Wybourn, Sky Edge and Parson Cross areas, but almost anywhere and at any time – when they are not in captivation at HMP.


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