North EastYorkshire

Selby, if you were to believe the tourist board hype is an historic and bustling market town nestled in the historic vale of York. Its true identity though is much more sinister…….

Selby is in fact a thriving chavopolis of ASBOs, crack heads, poorly fitting imitation sportswear and pavements sticky with discarded kebabs and vomit.

Entering Selby from the north you are first comfronted with the majestic ‘toll bridge’ a creaky contraption in constant danger of sliding into the murky and polluted river Ouse. This fine entrance leads you through the delights of ‘New Street’ were you are treated to the quaint, tatty facades of the imiginatively titled ‘Selby Pizza’, second hand treasure trove ‘Benson’s Bargain Centre’ (car stereos a speciality) and the grubby ‘Rose & Crown’ were a warm glass of fizzy piss can be enjoyed.

Further on into town is the market cross a popular haunt for the local ‘Selby Massive’ who enjoy terrorising old ladys on there BMXs.

Selby of course is well served by many a **** consumer outlet:

(1) Wilkinsons – Not just any Wilkinsons but a whopping 4000 sq feet plus of JMC electric egg whisks and discount pal for the pitbull.

(2) Argos – Arguably one of the finest in the chain, verging on flagship status. Has quite an impressive elizabeth duke section, often graced by orange faced ******** drooling at the 8 carrot masterpieces on offer.

(3) In Shops – Unique to the north. A collection of indoor units specialising in tat, more tat and tat. A great place to find that burberry scrunchie you’ve been dreaming of.

(4) McDonalds – A relative new comer, but fast proving to be a popular haunt for pimped up Novas and corsas with more UV light than a sunbed.

STOP PRESS! A deal has been struck and Selby will soon be home to a brand spanking new JJB – I rest my case!!

Selby nightlife is a unique experience and not for the faint hearted. On a Friday night the town is awash with gangs of **** in varying pastel ben sherman shirts amd portly ladies with fly away perms and bulging mid-riffs. An awe-inspiring sight indeed. Most selby pubs are packed to the rafters serving standard cooking-lager brands (ie: Stella, Fosters, Kronenburg) and have apenchant for playing high NRG dance from the likes of Scooter and DJ alligator. Graet to dance like a complete **** to (but be careful not to knock into a local and end up with a glass in your face for the trouble).

After the pubs eventually close you might feel like visiting one of Selby’s two premiere night spots ‘Club Seven’ (previously Gems and Corinas) akin to a large barn painted black with booze, or the reliable and pokey elder statesman ‘Kanns’. After paying a ridiculous door fee and drinking marked up pints of watered down ‘beer’ its time to get yourself down ‘The golden Skewer’ for a friendly bit of racist banter with the proprieters and perhaps if your lucky a toe to toe.

All in all a gem of a town – well worth a visit, just don’t forget your Helly Hansen!!

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