Selby – s*****g metropolis

North EastYorkshire

I can’t believe Selby hasn’t been added already. I can only assume its populace are too illiterate to read, or their fingers too greasy from all the McBurgers to type…

If Vicky Pollard lived in Selby, she would be the classiest bird in the entire town, and courted by all.

Selby has more Burberry baseball caps per square yard than anywhere I ever went (except Ilford, Essex – obviously). Every shop has police photos of spotty youths who aren’t allowed in the same shops, and details of their many and various ASBOs. There are less Selby-ites allowed into Woolworths than are on the pavement outside it.

Crowning glory is the druggies paradise, that used to be the Market Tavern – I forget its new name since it became a ‘night club’. The pavement outside it is knee deep in vomiting young women binge drinking, or staggering about with a fag in one hand and something from Ann Summers in t’other. Whilst the Eminen-wannabes watch impotently. The stench of Lynx not quite managing to overlay BO hangs like a smog above Selby.

You even know when you’re approaching Selby, from some distance… On the roads for MILES around Selby, you can always tell which cars are heading there. Usually by the speed they’re driving (90mph) and the slight clue that they’re driven by 17 year olds, and on the wrong side of the road, etc etc.

The public park in Selby – all 10 square inches of it – is a muggers’ paradise. Best of all, the Magistrates Court, outside which various Tyrones, Ryans and Lewis’s await their latest leg tagging.

Selby has to be the biggest chavfest going.

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2019