Salisbury: I spy with my 3rd eye

I have lived in Salisbury on and off for the last 12 years now and it becomes more and more backwards as the years roll on. Im originally from oop north and it still sends the ******* into a frenzy when they here your accent considering its a massive army town. It’s groundhog day, Royston Vasey and Tim nice but dim all rolled into one mishmash of **********.

Salisbury is littered with charity shops, hairdressers (which can’t do any real trade as the majority of people have heads like a burst couch) and snide pubs full of *****, piss heads and backwards c**ts. They have a pubwatch which is basically supposed to stop the riff raff gaining access. Its threshold must be lower than a snakes belly. The local Wetherspoons is a particular delight.

Tesco Metro is **** central, full of sweaty pat butcher earring wearing Vicky pollard lookalikes and that’s just the staff [allegedly]. Go to the town square which is famous for its 12th century market which is still going today and by the looks of it still has the same stock from that century. To the west of this so called city, is the metropolis of Bemerton which is twinned with Aleppo.

This place is ideal for the 9 quid holidays you get out of the sun newspaper (the average IQ of the inhabitants would make it a challenge to read bordering on war and peace). It’s full of Henley tracksuit, Superdry coat, 1980s gel head blag gold earring wearing sh*theads with less teeth in their heads than a 6 month old kid. Favourite words include yer maaaate, bruv, and bro. That’s just the ladies. If Kim jong in declared war tomorrow and decided to invade after carpet bombing the place, he would come to the conclusion he was better staying in the gulags of Pyongyang.

I have seen this place slowly erode from barely inhabitable, to escape from New York. Spygate last year, was the biggest thing to ever happen to the place. The Russians missed a trick not infecting place for the next 2000 years and doing everyone a favour.

If your a small minded, ******, tory loving, backwards w4nker then you will fit in nicely. If you’re anything else, then be prepared for the uncomfortable staring and licking your own ears expressions from the locals. Avoid this place at all costs it’s sh*t, mind numbing, boring and 20 years behind the rest of society.

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