Saffron Walden, Essex

By day, this picturesque market town is a tranquil place, dominated by the affluent shoppers from the town and surrounding area. By night, the town is a **** heaven, bringing out its true Essex charm!

Many of the town’s ***** have never left the town, and simply copy the styles seen on Trisha and read in the Sun. The big boys of the town consider themselves some of the country’s biggest gangsters. Although to the more intelligent person, it’s a “big fish, small pond” attitude.

As an “outsider”, be prepared for some weird looks and an unwelcoming atmosphere. Some of these guys have never left their town, and don’t take kindly to “outsiders”.

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Should you be seeking work, don’t expect work at the town’s Tesco store unless you’re related to a current employee. In-breeding is a common occurrence in this town, which explains the high percentage of stupid fucked-up *****. It is classified as one of the country’s top five most in-bred towns.

**** hangouts include the Common (in Summer AND in winter), although you’ll need a “Bazzed” up car to fit in with this crowd of three striped, Burberry clad morons. The White Horse is a pub I have still never had the pleasure of visiting, although don’t expect to come out unscathed with a new battle wound, and then there is the “Lizzie” and the Cross Keys. The Lizzie holds the **** loving cheesy disco at weekends, while the Cross Keys plays host to a variety of trouble seeking squaddies within this very beautiful Tudor, timber framed building.

As with many other towns, the ultimate place for the ****-spotter to visit is the local Weatherspoons pub, The Temeraire (Tem). As you walk in, you’ll receive bizarre looks from the array of tables within the smoking area. You’ll probably also notice the ultimate area for ***** to hang is in the front two windows, like a shop display, advertising the crowd within a pub.

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