Rutherglen AKA "Ruggy" or "Ruglen" by the locals – possibly due to the ‘unpronouncability’ of Rutherglen after sniffing glue or consuming 4 bottles of Buckfast.

First, a warning. The typical Ruggy ned is marginally more difficult to spot than the usual **** *******. The usual ned uniform of Kappa/Adidas is outwith the purchasing power of the Ruggy ned so they need to make do with other forms of ***** sportswear. Look for such pathetic brand names as Hi-Tec or Gola. The Ruggy uber-**** that do have Adidas trackies will have had it for so long that the 3 stripes will be obscured by substances ranging from vomit, excrement, glue to blood.

For anyone thinking of visiting Ruggy you should plan this like you would a visit to Saddam Hussein’s hometown in Iraq. When I drive through it on my way home I always park up on the outskirts and wait for a police car to drive by. Quickly pull out and follow it through hoping you can make it along the main street without a traffic light change.

How grim is your Postcode?

Public transport through Rutherglen isn’t an option. I have seen buses stoned, drivers spat on and am fairly certain one night there was even a failed rocket propelled grenade attack on the number 12. The train station has a 100 metre long dark, narrow, piss-smelling, ned ******** walkway from the station to the exit which rules that out as an option too.

This year the Nov 5th Guy Fawkes "celebrations" kicked off in the usual Ruggy way with the stoning of the Fire Brigade and subsequent riot with the police making front page news across Scotland. Any match at nearby Hampden or an Old Firm game also tends to result in some fighting in the Main Street. Check the fixture list before planning a visit.

Ruggy gangs are the Young Glen and the nearby Toi from Toryglen. Sadly they are not yet at the stage of eliminating each other which proves that they are the usual little mouthy ******** lacking the strength to inflict more than a scratch with their knives. This is possibly due to their diets consisting of a) stolen milk b) KFC’s and c) dead **** which fail to provide the necessary nutrients for strength.

Thankfully many **** have succumbed to the lure of smack making them easy to avoid. They are only capable of walking like zombies so a simple change of speed to brisk walk lets you outpace their shouts of "HAW, WHO YOO LOOKIN AT YA ****". At the other end of the spectrum however the amphetamine fuelled **** can run (and talk) faster than Maurice Greene in a skin tight speed suit. Accept the inevitable with these ones and try your best to absorb a few punches before they get bored and move on to a pensioner.

Areas to avoid – the main street, train station and overtoun park (aka ovy park), the mitchell arcade.

Areas worth visiting – swimming baths (closed in 2002)

In my opinion the only place worse on the South Side of Glasgow is nearby Toryglen. That has to be seen to be believed.

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