Having read the description of Runcorn (posted 22/10) I felt I had to add a piece on the ultimate c**v habitat, Castlefields centre. For those who have fortunately never been there, it seriously has to be seen to be believed.
The typical c**v day starts with dropping Demi-Leigh, Macauley, Saffia and Kevin Jnr at school, then trotting up to the centre with baby Libby-Louise to the post-office where best friend has already saved a place in the queue of 40 people. Mr C**v waits outside smoking roll-ups made with baccy he gets from a bloke in the Tanners (the Tanners is the pub but more about that later).
Mrs C**v comes out of the P.O with her benefit money and it’s across the way to Lalley’s cafe for a big breakfast. He reads the paper and flirts with the pretty manager and she gossips while she waits for the builders to come in so she can flirt while Libby-Louise sits wreathed in smoke as she drinks her juice. 11 o’clock finally comes and it’s opening time at the Tanners.
Again,you’d have to see this place to believe it’s real. This is to be Mr C**v’s home for the next 6-7 hours except for regular trips to the bookies next door. Mrs C**v will use this time to take Libby-Lou to Halton Lea or “the city” as true c***s call it (it used to be called Shopping City until the council renamed it in yet another of it’s half-arsed attempts to make Runcorn nicer-ha ha!) where she goes to Farmfoods for groceries, Poundland for hair dye and underwear, Home bargains for nappies and Pot noodles,TK Maxx for the kids’ clothes,Aldi for booze and treats herself to a Maccy’s Big Tasty meal for lunch.
Then it’s back to the centre where Mr C**v has been to the chippy (next to the cafe) and has just finished his sausage dinner. Mrs C**v reminds him about his latest assault charge so he nips across to the “Criminal Defence Solicitor”s office next to the P.O to get that sorted.
Mrs C**v goes to pick up the kids from school where Kev Jnr’s been fighting again, Demi-Leigh’s been caught stealing lunch money and everyone has a letter about headlice. Mrs C**v’s response, as always, is to throw the letters away because HER children wouldn’t get headlice.
Back to the Tanners and the kids run riot, playing football against the shutters of a disused shop. Mr C**v’s mate Ste joins him in the pub,he’s waiting for 4 o’clock when he can pick up his prescription from the health centre and to pass the time he tries to sell some knock-off gear “genuine Burberry and Lacoste mate”.
By 5.30 Mrs C**v has had a few alcopops and can’t be arsed cooking so the kids all cheer as she sends them to the chippy for tea. She gets home in time for the last half of Neighbours and settles down for her daily dose of soaps,Mr C**v comes home in time for Eastenders.
At the end of the day Ste comes round to play FIFA on the PS2 with Mr C**v while they drink Aldi lager and Mrs C**v invites her mate Angie round for some Aldi substitute for Malibu and to watch Xtra Factor on ITV2.
You may have guessed that this isn’t a true story in it’s own right but places and “events” are real and the ‘C***s’ are based on people I know who are always in Castlefields centre. And yes there really are local kids with those names!