Rossendale has quite a unique “alter ego” ****, whilst Rossendale has the mandatory stereo-typical attire, the transport, nightlife & vandalism , Rossendale is without the “Hard men or Hard *****”. So please do read on, as this maybe a **** eyeopener…

The Rossendale Valley is a collection of 4 **** towns, Haslingden, Rawtenstall, Waterfoot & Bacup.
The **** constitution in Rossendale, is producing what can only be described as a “***** ****”. Long gone are the days of the Rossendale Hard Men & **** ******* battling it out in the middle of the road over a mixed kebab and chilli sauce. Now we are subject to “Handbag Chavving” which generally involves two **** Scums squaring up and pushing each other, both ******** themselves and praying like Mohammed at the mountain that the police will turn up and stop them “before they really did some damage to the adversary”, thus being able to claim – “he was lucky and I’ll get him next time”. It has been in the region of 12 months since the last report of one **** “One Timing” another (aka one punch wonder).

Rossendale is well versed in the Anti Social Behavioural Order (ASBO) aspect of the law. Gaining an ASBO fast tracks your **** rating and can gain you instant respect in the **** areas of the valley. Most ASBO’s make the Local Paper gaining you instant publicity to your **** mates, enabling you to big yourself up via text message (presumably sent using your parents phone, as yours has no credit) to your posse that is congregated on the street corner / bus stop , the only reason your not there to give them the good news yourself is due to terms of the ASBO requiring you to be at home by 8pm.

How grim is your Postcode?

The nightlife in Rossendale is limited, to say the least, with Manchester only just round the corner, it provides the **** **** the opportunity to control most establishments due to any self respecting citizens making the short trip to the non **** areas of Manchester.
In Rossendale, Rawtenstall is the favoured social meeting ground as it houses two clubs, both of horrifying bad taste. The Q Club was opened recently, it was and always will be known as Stickies (for the obvious reason you have just assumed). This is the bleeding ground for the young **** empire and the recently imposed “dress code” was soon disbanded upon a petition being given to the management / them realising that there only custom was going to be that of townie ****. The other Club is the Rhythm Station, its over 25’s Friday & Saturday and a free for all on a Thursday night. Thursdays average age is in the region of 15/17 and an essential Sports Wear special night. If you have a job, a car & somewhere to give them a good seeing to you will without exception get a shag on a Thursday night in Rawtenstall,
However, if you wish to work the double shift and give the young **** a further **** thumping in the morning, do bear in mind you’ll need to get them to college by 9am.

Bacup is often described as a “right rough Hole”, and quite simply is. Bacup has now been reduced to contain only pubs, as at 12am various pubs transform into Rossendale’s MGM Grand and there is guaranteed fighting all night long, depending on what scale of fight you wish to see (just fists, men V Women, bar stools & glasses), you can adjust the establishment you attend. Due to the inclement temperature, it is not unknown for people to queue, to ensure their brawl can be conducted indoors rather than having to spill out onto the cold and damp streets. It is now a possibility to unknowingly Pick a fight in Bacup – just by entering a pub.
Bacup also offers one takeaway that remains open for the late trade. Having set foot in there, you’ll find yourself questioning the décor, however whilst waiting for your kebab, you will no doubt observe the indifferent clientele and fully understand that any wealth spent on new décor would be a catastrophic waste.
Haslingden is the ultimate **** hole, **** pubs, occupied by the section of the community who serve no purpose in the grander scale of things. No one travels to Haslingden for a night out, and thankfully no one from Haslingden travels out of it.
Waterfoot, a previous haven for underage drinking and middle of the road fighting, now wallows like an OAP who has just buried their life long partner. Waterfootians now make the short journey to Rawtenstall in their **** quests in order to consume alcohol and generally offend us good folk.

Notwithstanding the above, i’m sure by now Rossendale has failed to knock St. Lucia off the top of your wish list for next years holiday, and your grey matter is working over time in an attempt to understand how I managed to complete this article without participating in some form of self harm.

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