Written by Anonymous. Posted in United Kingdom

We’re all aware that you can’t walk down almost any towns high street without at least catching a glimpse of a L&B smoking, tracky wearing, burberry baseball capped waste of space that is the phenomenon ‘Chav’.

But has anyone noticed that they’re getting about a bit on-line too? Yes it seems the chav & chavette have gotten theirselves access to the internet and therefore the World Wide Web.
It seems that the scum have somehow evolved into the computer age. It had to happen, after all the average chav can often be seen at his happiest when clutching his Nokia (for it is always a Nokia) 3310 or latest equivalent. Now that phone technology has moved forward and the lines between mobile phone & computer technology have become ever more blured, the inevitable has happened – the Chav & Chavette have started to dip their web toes (pun not intended) into the waters of the internet.

You only have to read the forums, not just on Chavscum, but most websites to realise that Chavs are very much about in the online world. They’re easily spotted – they are always the ones that post replies to threads mocking the chav that go along the lines of, “***k you son, you chav wanna be us chavs r best jst cos i wear a cap and drive a cool car u thin dat ur bettre than us, ya daft c~~t..etc”
Why a Cyber-Chav has to type in a stupid text message/Gangsta speak is beyond all right thinking people, like all other chav habbits. Maybe its just after years of texting the poor chav just cannot grasp the use of a QWERTY keyboard.

How the chav & chavette gets online is easy enough to work out. Internet access is relatively cheap, certainly when compared to the cost of a SKY subscription (the full hit) which all chavs can afford easily. In a chavette run household, which most are, she only has to entertain one of little chelsys ‘uncles’ 2 nights a month to tap him up for the 40 or so quid it takes to pay the bill.
Mr chav, if it be his responsibilty to pay the bills needs only to sell a few bags of smuggled-into-the country baccy to supply his family with as much subscription audio-visual/interactive entertainment as required.
Now we know the chav has the money for online fun what ISP do they choose? Simple; it’s AOL everytime. Why? Because it’s the ISP of choice for morons and scum the world over. The user interface makes it ultra easy to IM and end/retrieve emails – a bit like the user menu on a nokia phone! The chav can’t change a lightbulb or wire a plug – but he CAN use AOL.
NB. despite the preponderance of satalite dishes and AOL ADSL users, all chav areas are always the first to have the roads dug up for cable. Maybe this is for some kind of uber-chav who can afford to buck the trend and be different. Who knows?

The only other question of the techno-chav that remains is hardware. Where does the chav or chavette buy/aquire their PC? The options are all follows-
1) Recieve a Windows 95 PC from some kind of government community handout thing, that does exist but no-one really knows fully about.
2) Recieve a twocked one from someone called ‘Bazza’ – A mate of his, or a shag of hers (probably both)
Or by far the most popular method is
3) Buy a shitty e-machine PC on ‘the tick’ from PC World/Currys/Dixons. This may require a dozen visits
and numerous failed credit checks until the system which connects to the finance company finaly gives up and decides their good for the money. (48 months 29.9% APR, ‘please sign on the line Mrs Chav even though you not listening and wouldn’t understand even if you were’)
Why do Chavs always buy e-machines? Easy their cheap (and s**t), but they look okay (better now they’re in silver as the chav, like a magpie, is attracted to shiny things) and they sound good. Often flat screen, Pentium 4 rigs which sound good on paper if you ignore the cheap parts and fisher-price build quality. Oh and the market is awash with them – they’re common as f**k – just like its user.

It’s not hard to see why the chav loves the online/computer world. Think of how much time, when the little chavs are old enough, that the PC which sits in the corner will spend entertaining/bringing them up.
Maybe computer literacy will come to the chav before or instead of actual literacy.

Their may even be an AOL chav chatroom somewhere. A Chavroom, if you will. This may lead to a string of internet ‘romances’ between chavs of different areas. Not only will this provide another outlet of opportunities for chavs to breed, but also increase the chavs desire to travel in order to do so.
Our biggest weapon against the chav is his or her inability/reluctance to travel outside their own postal area, despite being mobile- albeit in a mkII fiesta. Imagine the results of chavs from Bristol merging with chavs from Liverpool or Wakefield.
Think of the results – Superchavs.
What’s worse this may lead to the gradual errosion of areas of chav-belt (like green belt) – the good areas of towns and cities, that naturally keep the chavs from merging and turning the whole nation into a giant burberry infested argos, new-look, post office, maccyd’s or JJB sports !

It’s the next generation of chavs that I really fear.

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