The worst breach in Riddings defences is where it connects via a damn steep (but unfortunately not steep enough) hill to possibly the foulest place in the entire universe Ironville. Jeeeeeeesus that place sucks… its like downtown Beirut. There was on old joke when I was a kid that if you had to ride your bike through Ironville then never use arm signals as someone would nick your watch… Now older and wiser I know that’s not true… far more likely is that a scrawny skin-headed twat in a fake shell suit called Darren will shoot you in the face with an air rifle then while you lie there bleeding his enormous family (including 35 year old grandma) will emerge like giant cockroaches from the undergrowth and steal everything you own including if you’re unlucky your kidneys.
Unstoppable waves of Chavs march relentlessly up the hill into Riddings from this seeping boil of a place either on foot for the young ones as bus fare costs valuable money that could be far better spent on cider and smack or for the older version crammed like refugees into their mates Corsa (the Nova for the more discerning scumbag) with its cheap god awful bodykit, drainpipe exhaust and nicked stereo pounding out tunes from a CD they stole off the cover of Max Power. For some unknown reason the council seem to have a policy of welcoming this flow of human sewage and gleefully hand out the keys to council houses to anyone that fulfils the right criteria… that is you must be a single mum aged no more than 17 with at least two kids, both of which must be from different fathers and if possible different colours, you must agree to have several work-shy boyfriends living with you who must sit outside the front door with their scummy mates drinking special brew all day and you must be claiming the maximum benefits possible to ensure you never have to get off your fat lazy arse and get a job.
Being forced to live in close proximity to such a large chav population I have come to notice certain trends in their behaviour and appearance, such as how come there are only two types of chav woman over 40? If you can stand to take a closer look I’m sure you will agree with me… They are either huge fat creatures with square blotchy faces, short spiky hair, beards, deep bellowing voices (obviously ragged from smoking 60 rollups a day made with knock-off baccy that our Wayne bought off a fella in’t pub) that are barely recognisable as women or skinny little crystal meth addicts who look like Albert Steptoe with a slapback. The only things these two species have in common are the masses of crap tattoos, sovereign rings on every yellow stained finger, poor IQ for a glass of water and the ability to knock out disrespectful, malnourished, foul mouthed kids at a massive rate… How do they have so many so quick? They are like machines, as soon as one foul spawn falls out and the cord is cut the latest doles scum boyfriend / family member must jump on and impregnate it with another while the newborn baby is trying to nick the midwives watch. Oh… and why when two or more chavs are walking anywhere will at least one or more of them choose to walk in the road, not on the pavement? And if you are rude enough to be driving your car past them will they move? Will they f**k. Instead they just try to stare you out. I have come up with a tactic to deal with this behaviour when encountered…f**k em. Drive straight at the bastards, they eventually move and of course then turn around and shout abuse at you to sound hard in front of their mates and the 12 year old scutter with the mini skirt up to her mutt, ring of love bites around her neck and clown like make-up that they are trying to shag. And if they don’t move? Oh dear, what a pity. A bit of T-Cut will get the scratches on your bonnet out though. And whatever happened to respect for other peoples property? When I was a kid growing up here if I had ever done anything to damage something that belonged to someone else I would have been given a right good slap and balling out, the little f*****s that live near me use peoples cars as goalposts, lob stones at em, leave bricks in the middle of the road to see what happens when cars hit em, play chicken with bus’s, swear like dockers at 5 or 6 years old and generally have not one little bit of respect and what do their stupid, dumb f**k parents do? F**k all apart from have a go at you for saying anything, normally using the classic line they teach at chav school “dahnt you tell me ahh to bring up mah fookin kidz”. F*****s.
Oh yes… on another topic I have noted that a lot of comments and replies to articles seem to be coming from actual chavs themselves. This amazes me frankly as they must therefore have figured out how to use a computer in the first place (possibly someone showed them how at a job centre) and then mashed out a response (we should congratulate them for this feat of dexterity… you try typing with several kilos of gold painted base metal on each finger!). You can always tell which responses are from them as they seem to only be able to speak in the same slack-jawed gobshite way that they text each other…
As an example: “ya fuckin pafetic mate ppl go 2 alton towerz n stuff 2 have fun you never hav fun cept listenin 2 ya fuckin shite ‘music’ lookin like fuckin death + slag off chavz on here u aint got no life us chavz liv life u just wreck it for evry1 u wanta get ya fuckin headz sortd out n emy or whatver wid ya baby sayin chavz wreck ya holiday yeh right ya probably just fuckin sit on ya fat old arse complainin ya hoe” taken from the thread regarding Alton Towers and posted by Chazx… Now this annoys me. While I accept that for the average Burberry Bint concentrating for long enough to type out that comment must have been a great effort what with all the distractions going on in your rich and varied life, such as getting into a bitch-fight in the middle of the street with your mate over what she said about our Sharon (leave it, she’s not worth it the slag etc etc) or having to help your 12 year old asbo ridden boyfriend and father of at least one of your kids cut through the police tag on his leg, but if you are going to say something at least do it in English… You know? That funny language they teach at school? That’s the big building with teachers in it? They are the grown ups at the front of the class? That’s the room with the desks in it? That’s the thing you sit in front of? That’s when you… oh f**k it. Basically all anyone who is slightly more evolved than a slug reads when they see a comment like that is “I am a monkey. When I type I use one finger and my tongue sticks out. I should have been shot at birth” Save yourself the time and ridicule and BUGGER OFF! Ahh… I feel better for that!