THE JANNER TEXTBOOK
Defintion :Someone who is born, raised and lives usually by the seaside.
Within Naval Terminology = someone from the west country. But specifically Plymouth.
The Definitive Guide To Becoming The Textbook Janner
The “Janner Textbook”, your personal guide to becoming the perfect Janner. With the help of this step-by-step guide, you can become the ultimate Janner, enabling YOU to roam freely and comfortably amongst Janners in such places as “The Sundial”. Or to socialize in favorite Janner hotspots, such as “Jesters”, “The Two Trees” and even “Dance Academy”.
Developing all Janner skills and becoming the ultimate Janner is not an easy task, but we hope with the help of this guide, you can accomplish this and live a more complete and happier life on the dole.
STEP ONE – THE LANGUAGE
STEP TWO – APPEARANCE
-THE MALE JANNER – A.K.A. BUHEEZ
-THE FEMALE JANNER – A.K.A BURRDS
STEP THREE LIFESTYLE
STEP ONE – THE LANGUAGE
To become the perfect Janner, you must first perfect the language. Although a fairly basic adaptation of the common English language as you and I know it, Janner is not as easy to learn as you may think, but by following these simple rules you will be fully conversant in Janner in no time.
Permutations of the English language known as “Jannerisms”, are most commonly the adding of the letter “S” and “ERS” for no apparent reason i.e. ASDA, The Millennium Complex and The National Lottery become ASDERS, Millenniums and Lotteries. These may be used in a sentence like “Before we goes down Millenniums tonight, Ahz gotta go up ASDERS to do me Lotteries”. Notice the use of the word “goes” in the sentence as well.
The adding of the “S” as often as possible is very important if you are to converse with the Janner, but in some cases this cannot be done, as the original word is already plural i.e. Heroes. This problem is easily tackled by dropping the first letter of the word where possible, so you might say, “Om goin’ down ‘Eroes lehter on, then om goin’ Destinys”.
Also notice from this sentence another common Jannerism. The misuse if the word “TO”, i.e. “‘Ere, where you going to?” This is also added at the end of a sentence for no apparent reason. The misuse of this word may also be noticed in a reply to a question. Where you or I might say, ” I am going to the shops”, the Janner might reply “Om goin’ shops”, completely dropping the words “to the”.
Words that end with “BLE” will now end “BOW”. For example, the word “HORRIBLE” becomes “ORRIBOW” etc.
When first meeting a Janner you wish to converse with, the common greeting used will probably be “REEEEET” possible followed by “MEHHT.” Do not be frightened off by this, as it is a friendly greeting meaning “Are you alright, my friend!” The Janner is referring to your general well being, and is genuinely concerned about how you are today.
We are still unsure why the Janner refers to everyone as “MEHHT”. This may be a translation of the word “MATE”, or the Janner may be using the word in a state of confusion.
The random exchanging of vowels to make Janner words sound different is a common practice i.e. “FAGS” become “FEGS”, “SHAME” becomes “SHEHHM”, “NO” becomes “NA” and the words become “C**T” and “F**K” become “CONT” and “FOCK”. ( The last two words when used as Jannerisms become general terms used randomly and are no longer seen as offensive). Other words commonly used are “INNIT” meaning “ISNT IT”, however, this is not always used as a question but sometimes used randomly to complete a sentence, i.e. “Lets go down the shops in me Nova, INIT!” The use of this Jannerism is optional and with more experience may find yourself using it more freely.
Other Jannerisms in common use are adaptations of the English language which, when Janner, may not be fully understood to the beginner. “What’s your Nem called?” meaning “What is your name?” “Member ‘im to me” or “Member me to ‘im” possibly meaning “Say hello to …. For me”. “Up the line” meaning anywhere north or east of Plymouth. “Ows you?” meaning “How are you?” “Fockin’ mentoe” meaning “Really good” and “Elluva” meaning ” A lot of” or used to exaggerate.
Understanding the Janner can be difficult as speech is delivered at a fast pace with little or no gaps between words. This can become more confusing if the Janner is annoyed in any way. If his pint is spilt or you look at his girlfriends breasts in a leering manner, the Janner will inform you of this by saying, “Ere, you spilt ma pint, ya cont” and “Ere, you looking at ma berrds tats ya twaat?” At this point it would probably be best to leave jesters and at no time should you try to talk your way out of the situation, as the Janner will probably think your being clever, trying to confuse him/her with long words. If the Janner is standing with his legs slightly apart, fists clenched, arms slightly away from his/her sides with head tilted back and chest puffed up, then the situation has already gone to far and you are probably about to get a “Schmakk in the fehce” meaning “a blow to the facial area”.
When describing actions, a Janner will use the following terms to you “EGOES”, “ARGOES”, “LYGAT” and “LYGISS” i.e. “Ah wuz drivin’ in me Nova, an egoes ligat to me an argoes, na lygiss innit!” This roughly translates “As I was driving in my car, my friend said something to me which I found myself completely disagreeing with.
Finally, when finishing a conversation in Janner, the common term used will be “CHEOW” meaning “GOODBYE”. Do not be shocked however, as this term will probably be delivered to you in a high pitched voice and can sometimes be frightening.
STEP TWO – APPEARANCE
Now you have a basic grasp of the language, the Janner will not take you seriously unless you look exactly like him or her.
THE MALE JANNER – A.K.A. BUHEEZ
To achieve this look you can chose between two hairstyles;
THE FRENCH CROP – Grade one back and sides, longer at the top and slapped forward on the head with as much cheap gel as can be carried by the average human head. The fringe should be arranged into six or seven downward facing sections.
THE BOB – Once again, grade one sides and back, but ear length on top with a definite central parting. Gel is optional and probably only used for special occasions such as court appearances.
Janners should always wear at least one large gold hoop earring, although the more, the better. One in EACH ear will normally stop the Janner from leaning to one side, stopping him from walking around in circles. No Janner should be without his gold chain and large gold sovereign rings. Both can be purchased from Argos, Index or Half Price Jewellers.
Facial hair is a must but only if you are having trouble growing it. For example, sideburns that do not meet your hair and a bumfluff moustache, which you have been growing since you were twelve.
All clothing should be labeled well and bought slightly too large to give the illusion of size. Large jumpers should be worn at all times even in hot weather or in a club (NOTE: If in “Candy Stores” or “down Cademy”, all clothing on the upper body must be removed and glow sticks must be waved around vigorously in peoples faces). Brand of jumper is optional although you will be restricted to Timberland, Sonnetti and Ralph Lauren. The jumper should be worn over an untucked shirt, preferably Ben Sherman, and checkered, baggy dark blue jeans. The all-important footwear is trainers normally, but on special occasions wear either brown Kickers or Timberlands.
All clothing can be purchased from a dodgy mate who “knows someone who done over Louis Bernards” or from your mum’s catalogue. The second option can be paid for weekly or monthly from your giro.
A tattoo on the forearm is optional but will improve the look immensely.
Back to selection.
THE FEMALE JANNER – A.K.A BURRDS
To achieve the look is a lot easier if you have given birth at sixteen, however, if you are yet to be impregnated, it is still possible to be convincing as a female Janner.
The first step has to be the perm. Straight fringe is optional but does come in handy when hair is “up”. Hair should be heavily moussed and hair sprayed to the point where it looks wet at all times. For special occasions such as weddings and boyfriends court appearances, the hair can be tied on top of the head, leaving just four curly sections; two for the fringe and two in front of each ear.
Tracksuits, large jumpers and leggings can be worn at all times with trainers. This is a look known as the “KAPPASLAPPA”. For clubbing, ill-fitting boob tubes, very short skirt and white shoes or knee high boots must be worn.
Tattoos are essential to the female Janner. These are usually positioned on the shoulder and are normally a rose, unicorn, dolphin or butterfly. One of these tattoos must also be on one of your breasts to be seen when they are exposed in Union Street at 2.30am outside the kebab shop. Finally, one must be positioned on the top of your arm, maybe your child’s name. This is a must to draw attention to the unsightly flabby wings you will have gained from childbirth.
You must WEAR AS MUCH JEWELLERY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. This should include earrings (at least twelve in each ear), at least two rings on each finger, and three gold chains, all of which can be purchased as before from Argos, Index or Half Price Jewellers. A septic bellybutton piercing is also essential for the scuddy appearance.
STEP THREE LIFESTYLE
By now, you should be able to converse in Janner and look like one as well, but this is not enough. To be fully accepted within the Janner community, you must live the same lifestyle. This not only means living in Swilly, but also nicking car stereos, selling “GEAR” to your mates and taking an hour off from your job so you can go sign on.
The male Janner must have a car, preferably a Nova, but an XR3 will have the same effect as long as it has a full body kit, Goodmans stereo with Pioneer stick on your back window and a loud exhaust. Tinted windows are optional, but the piece de resistance is alloy wheels that are worth more than the car itself.
Now your “Jannermobile” is complete!
For socialising, only go to places where there is no dress code as you will only own blue jeans.
The Janner will always smoke “FEGS”, probably purchasing “10 LAMMERTNBUTLERS” from the “PACKIE SHOP INNIT” on regular occasions.
As mentioned before, fighting is an essential part of both the male and female Janners lifestyle, and although probably not that adept at hand to hand combat, will adapt everyday items such as bottles, ashtrays and ten of their “MEHHTS” to aid them in this weekly pastime.
A popular venue or fighting or “FOYTEN” is Union Street, where Janners will gather after dark to pursue this hobby. Jesters is one of the prime venues for these events as there are many intoxicated Royal Navy seamen to be found on the premises, also known a “FOCKIN’ MATLOWS INNIT” These “FOCKIN’ MATLOWS INNIT” make popular targets for the Janner as they are mainly from “up the line”. This being the case means that they do not possess the ability to converse with the Janner, so all confrontations lead straight to violence. Although no excuse is ever needed for the Janner to initiate violence, often the “FOCKIN’ MATLOWS INNIT” will bring the event on themselves by, as mentioned before, spilling the Janners pint or examining the Janners spouses breasts. Fighting is also a popular pastime for the female Janner, although taken a lot more seriously and in most cases a lot more violent than the male. Domestic violence is also essential for the Janner, but only in public view. This includes the striking of unruly Janner offspring. Supermarkets and public transport are favorite venues for this activity.
When not fighting, the male and female Janner may partake in the activity of “JANNERDANCING”. This is a complex part of the Janner lifestyle that will take years of practice, especially for the male. Females may dance in a circle of three or more around a carefully arranged array of BEGS, purses, FEGS and pay-as-you-talk mobile phones.
If female and dancing with only one female Janner, then you must pretend to be a lesbian with your dancing partner at all times. Be warned, this will lead to attracting the male Janner to dance behind you, rubbing his genitalia against your lower back in an attempt to mate.
The male “JANNERDANCE” takes slightly more practice, as you will need to learn to dance whilst blocking out all music and rhythm within earshot. To start with a Walkman can be worn into the club to give the illusion of no rhythm. Feet only need to be moved slightly, or maybe one in front of the other (like walking on the spot, slowly). Then, one arm with clenched fist or straight hand (depending whether the music if “TRANCE” or “CHART”) should be flicked out randomly upwards and outwards and then back to the side of the body. The other arm should stay at your side. This move can be repeated with both arms in variation, but remember, this MUST BE IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC, or the other Janners will see this an accuse you of dancing like a “FOCKIN’ POFF”, or homosexual. Remember, whilst dancing, the mouth must be left open at all times. Biting the bottom lip while exposing the top teeth is optional.
These are the three basic steps to becoming the “COMPLETE JANNER”, but remember that real Janners are born that way following generations of Janners before them. If you are having problems with any of the skills of Janner, DO NOT WORRY! Just follow these basic rules:
VIOLENCE IS VERY IMPORTANT, THE MORE THE BETTER,
BE RACIST AND SEXIST AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY,
SOUND AS STUPID AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE AT ALL TIMES,
ONLY BREED WITH OTHER JANNERS TO KEEP THE BLOODLINE PURE.
We hope this guide has been of some assistance in understanding the nature of the Janner. We have tried to be as complete as possible. All that is now left to say is:
Created by Michael Whiddon